Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As are here below:
'I Am A Gay Man, Want To Fake Marry A Lesbian.'
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been feeling very lonely. Very very lonely. I feel very difficult to live my life alone. I am single and I am gay.
I am convinced that I will get no guy in this life. All of them are just looking for sex. I wonder how I will be able to spend my entire life with just the intent of sex and no love. They are horrible people.
Thus, I want to get married to a woman. I then thought that it would be wise to get married to a lesbian woman. I even wrote to a couple of them who were famous… I told them we could do a contract, but they got angry and refused. I feel very lonely.
Could you please guide me on where would I could find a nice good looking lesbian to marry. I am okay with her having affairs with girls, I just want her to be my friend and fulfil my father’s wishes. His dying wish was that I should be settled. Could you please help me.
Can you speak to your friends who want to be free in being lesbian and can fake marry me? Please I request you to not say no. Please connect me to your friends.
Desperate Man
Dear Desperate Man,
Thank you for writing in. I understand that you are feeling left out and low. While some see the world of men who have sex with multiple men, as liberated, I know that many view the same as immoral or simply unacceptable to the idea of a relationship that they have formed in their minds.
There is no right way. It is for the couple to decide what kind of relationship it should be. I should tell you that I know of queer male couples who are in a committed relationship and also queer men who are in open relations. Let’s not be discriminatory about either.
I am sorry but a life partner would have their own desires and fantasies and their own independent aspirations. It is not considered ‘decent behaviour’ to ask a lesbian woman if she is okay with a marriage of convenience.
It is also wrong to imagine that every lesbian woman is longing to find a gay man to get married so that she could be rescued from marriage pressure. You can ask such questions only to friends with whom you are sure that you share camaraderie.
I am sure your dad’s aspiration is that you would turn out to be a good human being. I think that should only be the ambition of every parent. Your partner is a wife not an item that you can buy to fulfil his wishes. So regarding marriage, do things that you want to do, not what your father wants you to do.
The thing you are seeking is called Marriage Of Convenience. I know of secret legal contracts drawn between heterosexual couples. However, one ought to be very careful regarding this as you could get blackmailed and also duped.
I cannot speak to my friends and ask them to “fake marry” you, one because I don’t think people need to live their lives like a compromise. And two because I don’t think it is wise to use a woman as a means to fulfil wishes of a society.
I would strongly recommend that you see a counsellor. You don’t need to take refuge in a lie to live your life.
Smiles
RainbowMan,
P.S. fix yourself an appointment with a psychologist… jaldi.
'My Partner Is Of My Daughter’s Age'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 72-year-old man. I have two daughters and both of them are married. My wife and I are divorced since the past 17 years. We had divorced amicably, the reason was very simple – we both wanted different things from life.
The custody of both the daughters was with me and they voluntarily had little or no interaction with their mother. The issue is that I am all alone right now and have found a companion. She is almost half my age and is very loving. My older daughter got to know about the fact that I am living with her in my house.
She asked me who she was, and I did not lie to her. She was happy initially, but when she knew that my partner is of her age group she was furious. She has her doubts if my partner is for my money or for genuine love. She further accused me of being a pervert for having an affair with someone her age. I am terribly disturbed and don’t know how to reason with her.
I love my daughter, but I don’t want to leave my partner and feel that my act of loving her reeks of creepiness.
She is threatening to inform the police and get my partner arrested for enticing me. Please suggest.
Disturbed Dad
Dear Disturbed Dad,
Thank you so much for writing in.
Love is beyond race, religion and age (as long as both are of legal age.) There is no age-difference rule legally, and in my honest opinion, there should be no rules regarding age even morally.
The only thing that should matter is that the partners entering into any kind of sexual relationship should be legal, consulting adults.
As an adult, it is for you to decide how you wish to take your life. Your daughter could advice you, even take the liberty of getting angry with you, but this is your life. You can decide what you want to do with it.
You are the architect of your life and your future. You could get attracted to someone who is younger than you, in fact, as young as your daughter - again, as long as she is of legal age.
That doesn’t make you creepy. You have not hit on someone who didn’t want your attention. You didn’t obsessively run behind someone who didn’t want your attention, you didn’t have non-consensual sex… so in what way was is this creepy?
Your daughter may take some time to digest the fact that you are in love after so many years. She may take some more days, months, or years to accept your partner who is around her own age group. She may not want to understand or reconcile too. She has the right to feel how she feels, but that shouldn’t change how you feel about people you love.
I am not an astrologer. I will not be able to predict if your partner is taking advantage of you or is genuinely in love with you.
I can definitely tell you though that true love does exist. And people are capable of immense love and not everyone bothers about age or money.
That said, I personally believe that we all seek something from our loved ones, and they seek something from us. I am certain that you both lovers know what you seek from each other. If you don’t, it may help to have that conversation so that things are clear. We just need to ensure that such conversations come from the point of love and understanding and not doubt or shame.
Love boldly, love truly and love completely. Don’t hesitate in loving, for that, for many, has been the only reason why we exist - to love, and to be loved.
You have your own independent life. Your children have their own independent lives. You are not responsible for what your children interpret of your life- as long as it is done with truthfulness, love and compassion, it should be okay.
Your daughters would understand over a period of time. Or perhaps, they would not. However, you should not base your judgements on how they react, but how you feel about people you love.
You have your life to lead, they have their lives to lead, let not their judgements influence your decisions.
Good luck with everything.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
P.S. We can find love at any age. Love is ageless.
'Felt Nice After Touching A Man. Am I Gay?'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am an 18-year-old boy. Does homosexuality spread by touching each other’s private parts.
I touched someone’s penis in a crowded place some time ago, and he touched mine and I felt good.
Did he ‘gay touch’ me? Am I becoming gay? I hope you don’t think it’s a joke.
Confused Boy
Dear Confused Boy,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your innermost secrets with me. No, I don’t think feelings are a joke. Thank you for trusting me.
Exploration is healthy when it is consensual. What you were doing is exploring your sexuality.
You cannot become gay because someone touched you or because you touched someone. You can’t become gay or become straight, you are just that way, or not.
If you are gay or not is something that only you will know, no one else will be able to tell you or ascertain your sexuality.
It is deeply personal.
Sexuality is a spectrum.
Over time, you may or may not want to confirm to yourself what your sexual orientation is on the basis of how you feel over a period of time.
At your age, I guess it is important to just allow yourself to feel emotions and let time reveal what you feel.
You felt nice being touched and while touching, but is this a temporary feeling that you had or was there something that lasts long. Do you feel like this for other men, or was this the only guy. Do you feel sexual towards women… these all are questions that would come up in your quest towards your own sexuality.
It is okay to be questioning, it is okay to not know exactly which box you fit in. It is also okay if you do not identify with any of the boxes of sexuality that are… and decide to define yourself as out of the box.
It is important to just allow yourself to feel what you feel and let time help you understand your emotions better and put it in words.
I know teenage life is tough and clouded with confusions like these. But this is also a time when we feel a gush of emotions that make us feel alive and thriving. Things will get better. Do seek the assistance of a mental health professional. Do write back if you think I could be of any help.
In joy,
RainbowMan
P.S. No permanent decisions on temporary feelings.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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