Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As are here below:
‘My Girlfriend Wants a Threesome’
Dear RainbowMan,
Very fortunate I am that I have found someone who loves me immensely. We both have plans of getting married when we hit 30 and have many more plans on the cards. We are getting bored with the same sex every day, and are looking at newer ways to excite ourselves. We have tried many things to add spice to our sex life. This time, she asked me something that I don’t really agree to. She wants me to agree to a threesome where she gets sandwiched between me and another guy. She wants to be penetrated from the front and behind at the same time. This is her wildest fantasy, and now that we have exhausted everything else, she wants to do this – just once. Not just this, she also wants to see me making love to the man. I thought she was joking. I thought my love was enough for her, but I am scared of losing her and want to please her but I do not feel good about this fantasy of hers that she is hell-bent on. She has also found a guy, it seems, who would be willing to be a part of our threesome. I am petrified of this and don’t want this to happen. I respect her feelings though and want her to be happy. How do I proceed?
Unwilling Partner
Dear Unwilling Partner,
Thank you so much for writing in. I acknowledge that it would have taken you some courage to pen down what you exactly feel. At the outset, I appreciate that even though you are not a willing partner in meeting your partner’s desires, you have not been disrespectful towards her.
When we are in love, we sometimes like to explore more of each other. However, it should be with absolute and empathetic consent of the partners.
I see no reason why you shouldn’t tell your partner that you do not like her idea of a threesome. If you don’t confess to her, it may show up in various other ways.
As a general rule, no one should be in a position that they think they have t to ‘put up’ with anything in love. In love, you accept, you adjust, you don’t ‘put up’, you don’t ‘compromise’.
Discuss with your partner. Sit down with her and explain your discomfort with the idea of a threesome. Discuss other ways of adding spice to your sex life. Take a vacation, try some sex toys, change the mood lighting at your place, aromatic candles… try something new, that you haven’t before.
Things get better when we discuss with no holds barred.
Love
RainbowMan
P.S. threesome is a threesome only when all three enjoy it.
‘Love Is Not the Only Thing I Need’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 29-year-old gay man from the east of India. I have been single all my life. I am worried about my future. I wonder if I will have to accept that I will be single all my life and not look forward to any kind of romance. I think I will die single. My grave will also have “unmarried” written on it. Not that I don’t get sex. I get love also. I have been proposed many times. I would like to believe that I am good looking. I need more than love though. How could I get into a relationship with someone just because the person loves me? I need to check whether he likes the same food like I do, whether he watches the same kind of films and appreciates the same kind of art like I do and also I need to know what he likes in sex and whether that resonates with me. If we don’t match in any one of these our relationship would be a big failure. I have always been an achiever in my life and I hate to even imagine that I could fail in something. Hence I wonder how I should go about life. Should I accept my single status and not look for anyone ever? Or should I still keep my hopes alive – that I will find my perfect match? I wonder. I would love to know of your views on this.
Regards,
Reluctant Lover
Dear Reluctant Lover,
I can feel through your words, the pang in your heart. Thank you for trusting me with your words.
I do understand that we all look for the perfect match. I am happy that you think and analyse before you give your heart to anyone. However, it would be nice if we ask ourselves “Am I overthinking and over evaluating?”
While we all look for that “perfect match”, we should also accept the fact that there may not actually be something that is that “perfect”.
You may get someone who loves art like you but doesn’t like the same music as you do. Or someone who loves an author that you completely despise. While I agree that we all look for common interests, to find someone with all common interests is extremely rare.
Make love a possibility in your life, not a rarity.
Accept those who love you, even if you don’t like everything about them. Love them because you love something about them.
Give your heart a chance too. It is longing for it.
Smiles
RainbowMan
‘I Have a Boil on My Penis’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have a small boil on my penis. It is not painful, but it is getting bigger. I wonder what I should do about it. I had a sexual partner, but I have always been using protection. I don’t think it is an STD, therefore. But could this be something else, like cancer? Do suggest some home tests that I could do to find out.
Curious
Dear Curious,
Thank you for writing in.
Let me get straight to the point.
Please visit a doctor. You need your “boil” examined by the doctor you trust. Only a qualified doctor will be able to advise you on this. And for that, they would need to physically examine the boil.
Please waste no time. I wish it is really just a heat boil and nothing else, but one can’t say until doctors examine.
Love
RainbowMan
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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