Sexolve 148: ‘I Am in Love with a Man Who Is Much Younger Than Me’

Age is a matter of the mind. It doesn’t really matter, if the lovers don’t mind, writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Am in Love with a Man Who Is Much Younger Than Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28 year old man from Mumbai. I have been in an affair with a man for the past 2 years. The issue is that my boyfriend is 20 now and we dated right from the time that he celebrated his 18th birthday. We knew each other even before, but we never exchanged any love notes considering that he was a minor, we only had sex a year back. We were incredibly fond of each other even before that, but I found it inappropriate to date him till he was an adult. However, my friends keep advising me against him. And because my boyfriend is younger, they keep teasing me by calling me a “paedophile”. These things are making me very angry. I am always upset when I am with my boyfriend because of that. How do I deal with this?

Mr Lover

Dear Mr Lover,

Isn’t love such a magical feeling. I am glad you found love and congratulations on the fact that you are going strong since the past two years.

While there is no bar on having crushes, in cases like these, where one is a major and the other is a minor, it is always advisable that one gets into a proper relationship only when both of you’ll are adults. It is easy to be misconstrued. I am glad that you waited for the right time to set yourself free with love. I am amazed at your sensitivity and understanding. You are a kind and sensible man.

Age is a matter of the mind. It doesn’t really matter, if the lovers don’t mind.

People will judge everything. Even if you both were of the same age, they would have figured some difference between you both and magnified it to bully you.

Sometimes, it is good to be glad that the world is jealous that despite your obvious differences, you stick along with each other.

You cannot take words away from people’s mouths. Even if those words are filthy. However, you can train your responses towards them. Count your blessings. When someone teases you, do not confront, rather smile and tell them “yes, my boyfriend is younger than me”. The moment they realise that their bullying tactics is not creating the desired anger or irritation in you, maybe they would stop. Even if they don’t, don’t bother about them.

They don’t matter. You matter. Your love matters. Your relationship matters.

To love is a blessing, to be loved back is divine.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

PS: You are divine.

‘I Can’t Satisfy My Husband so I Don’t Complain About His Affairs’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a married woman. My husband has another affair. He has an affair with one of my best friends. I am okay with him having an affair because I love him and if I am unable to fulfill his desires, he should be able to get them fulfilled outside. However, I am upset that he always compares me with her. He tells me that his girlfriend gives him better blowjobs than what I do. I am distressed and terribly pained because of this. I sometimes feel suicidal as well. In all other times, I do not want to think pessimistically and just ensure that I make my husband happy?

Regards,
Knotty Affair

Dear Knotty Affair,

Thank you so much for writing to me.

The one thing that crossed my mind when I read your mail was “does she have a friend she could confide in to”. I am happy that you are voicing your concerns.

I have to tell you something that I am able to see from the other side of the spectrum. I can see that your self-esteem has taken a massive beating.

You have been giving in too much of yourself. You are tired. You need to slow down. You don’t need to compensate for anything. You are complete. You are not inadequate. Your love is complete.

Do you have a friend, a close friend or a relative who could be a confidante? Because you deserve to have someone in real life to speak to. I would also suggest that you see a counsellor who could listen to you physically and tell you how things look from their point of view. Please give yourself a chance.

To agree with a three way relationship is totally your decision, but ensure that it is not a compromise that leads you to the decision

I know you love your husband. However, please protest when he compares you with anyone in bed. Do let him know that it is not okay. If he loves you, he will understand. If he doesn’t, you will have to understand.

You kept giving chances to your love, even when your lover got into another affair. Now it is time that you give yourself a chance.

I am certain you will think about what I just told you.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

PS: I am concerned about you. Keep me posted.

‘I Want to Start a Sexuality Club in College, but I Am Not Gay’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a student from Mumbai. I would like to have a campaign in my college regarding child sexual abuse and start a club on sex and sexuality in my college called “the sexuality club”. I am a survivor as well but I am not gay. However every time I broach the topic, my principal dismisses it saying that this is not the right time to do it. I want to do this when the new academic year starts in college. Also some of my friends think that I am gay because I stand up for gay rights and am very passionate about it. The good thing is that my parents are very supportive. Imagine being bullied just for supporting a cause. I wish to move things further swiftly. How do I do that?

Passionate Boy

Dear Passionate Boy,

I really admire you for standing up for something that is not your lived experience. You do not have to be gay to support gay rights. You don’t have to be a woman to understand what women go through. You do not have to be a part of any marginalised community to understand better. Understanding and empathy binds us all together. I am glad that you are able to think the way you are thinking.

Regarding starting a club in college, it is sad, but authorities usually get uncomfortable by the word sex or sexuality. Do try using phrases that don’t have the word “sex” or “sexuality” in it.  

To cite some examples, there are college student initiatives like “Saathi” and “The Rainbow Alliance”. Also using the word “gender” is sometimes helpful, sexuality could be the topic that could be covered while speaking about gender.

Again, you don’t need to be the thing to be concerned about the thing. Let bullies be bullies, keep the faith, its only a matter of time that they cross the rainbow bridge and come to your side.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

PS: Since you are in Mumbai. If you need me to come with you to college, just write back. I will come with you to speak to your principal.

PPS: I am proud of you. SUPER PROUD OF YOU.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)