Sexolve 185: ‘My Boyfriend Uses a Condom, Is He Unfaithful?’
Harish Iyer answers all your love, sex and relationship queries in this week’s Sexolve.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Am a School Boy in Love With a Girl’
I am a supposedly a mid-teen schoolboy and have been in love with a girl in my locality for the past 1 year. She and I went to the same school. She is a year junior, technically, but somehow she got in the same class. The problem is that my daddy got to read some messages that I had sent her and he has now revoked my phone. He rebuked me and also told me that I should not indulge in romance at this age. I am writing to you in utter despair. It feels as though my dad thinks that people can love only when they turn 18. I love this girl. I love this girl so much. She loves me too. Her parents also know about us and except for some lecture on how close we should get and what we should not do, they did not stop us or stop our romance. My dad is being a jerk. I am really really angry with him, but cannot really go out of the house, because I don’t know if I will be able to take care of my girlfriend by myself. Also, I don’t want to go and stay at my girlfriend’s house or get her to my house. I want to make my own house and live with her happily. Someday. But till then this moment is killing me. She is my strength. This distance and the wall that my dad has created is troubling me. Mom doesn’t seem to understand either. She only follows what dad says blindly. She doesn’t show any emotion whatsoever. I am really really upset. I wonder what I could do. Please please help me. I don’t want to do something stupid. I don’t want to do something that I regret. I am angry. I am upset. I am really really really pissed at how my life has turned out to be. I want to quickly grow older and marry. I want to start earning so that I do not have to depend on my dad for finances. I want to do everything that I can to make my own family. But god damn, this wait. This wait for getting older. I wish there was a time machine and I could just take the time machine to the future right now. I wish. I wish. Please help me. I don’t know why I am writing to you. You may also dismiss this as a plea from a young boy and completely forget or think of this as a rant from a boy who hates his dad. But something that tells me that there is faith in humanity when I read your articles. You are my last hope.
Thank you for writing in. I know love, I know how it feels like when people tell you that this love is forbidden. I also know how it feels like to be told off by someone who is in authority. So at the outset, I acknowledge your words and understand that they come from a pure place of love and compassion and not from a point of hate towards your father.
And what is hate anyway… it is just a form of love that is dark, stark and tapered down. Hate is a form of love too. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate.
But that’s another story.
If you are asking me, if it is right to be in love regardless of your age, I will shout a loud resounding yes. If you are asking me if it is wrong to be in love when you are in school, well, there is nothing that prevents two young people to be in love.
When it is love, it will stand the test of time, even if expressions of love need to wait.
So give it time. Don’t get angry when people get angry with you. Your father may not actually be a “pyaar ka dushman” per se. Parents are sometimes concerned about studies and focus on building a career.
Your love for your partner, needs to be your essence and not a divergence from your regular school boy life. I believe in you, when you speak of love as a strength and not weakness. However, since you are young and dependent on your parents, it may be wise to become an adult before you start your adult life.
I don’t know if we can stop loving people just on command. And I don’t wish that anyone attempts to put a pause on love. This age is also a time to focus on other things parallel. The operative word is parallel. You don’t have to leave the one you love, to start focussing on your life, your school, your grades, your career. Just give it time. Be patient with your dad, even if it seems to you that he is not patient with you. Give him time to settle down. In the interim, start focussing on your life beyond your love. And trust your love to follow.
Also, do not hesitate to seek the services of a counsellor, if you have one in school.
And of course, thank you for reading my posts. You can continue writing to me. I am all ears. I will not belittle you for your age. Age, experience and wisdom are not always co-related. The young can have wisdom too. I trust you.
I trust you to be patient at this moment. And believe in possibilities. Focus on your actions. Don’t antagonise people who provide for you at this juncture. Don’t rock the boat. Quietly let it swim to sanity.
P.S. Hey!!! Listen!!!! Give her my regards too.
P.P.S. And good luck. “Patience” is the word.
‘My Boyfriend Uses a Condom, Is He Unfaithful?’
I am a 28-year-old woman who has been in love with a man for the past 3 years. However, we decided to call it off as my boyfriend didn’t agree to my condition that we will have sex only without a condom. I think people who keep insisting on wearing a condom are people who are not willing to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Maybe he thinks that he could leave me, and if he doesn’t wear a condom and I get pregnant he will be stuck with me. Also, there could be this other possibility – that he is actually doing things with other people and doesn't want to transmit his STDs to me. I mean, why would someone in a committed relationship exactly prefer a condom? I am really angry. He is continuously messaging me and wants to get back. I am not in any mood. I think your responses are sane, so I am asking you for a third-person point of view. Please tell me… what should I do?
Dear Upset Lady
Thank you for writing in and sharing such personal details with me.
When we love, we sometimes compare. And when we compare, we constantly evaluate and gauge the ones we love. We put them to test for their loyalty, for their emotions and many times for their temptations. It is all a lover’s game. I have played it too.
However, it helps if our judgements are rooted on practical happenings and not on mere assumptions. Conversations are vital in a relationship. Conversations have to be without the cloud of doubt. I wish that you are your boyfriend speak about this issue.
In a world where so many men, don’t care about wearing condoms, just because they find it below their dignity to prevent pregnancy… your boyfriend actually seems like a breath of fresh air.
It is not my place to decide for you though. You would have to speak to your boyfriend and understand from him where he is coming from. Why do you assume that he wants to wear a condom because he is running away from you? Don’t you think he may be wearing one for the time being… so that you don’t (literally) bear the seed of his actions? Why do you think he probably has an STD that he is scared to transmit? Cant it just be that he wants to wait for the right time?
If he loves you, and you still have feelings for him, I’d suggest that you chat up with him. Speak to him. Check with him what he feels like and then take the decision of whether to continue or leave.
P.S. Things get better with conversations without shouts.
‘I Have a Pimple in My Penis’
I am a 28-year-old man with a pimple in my penis. Can I apply pimple removal creams?
Dear Mr Kumar,
Thanks for writing in. Kindly check with your doctors on what to apply to remove the pimple…. In fact, check with them before anything.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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