Sexolve 230: ‘I Slept With My Neighbour When My Husband Was Away’

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

My Husband Was Away, I Slept With My Neighbour

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32-year-old married woman. I had a very active sex life with my then boyfriend who is my husband now. We dated for a good 10 years before taking the big plunge in the world of holy matrimony.

After marriage, we had sex every day. Sometimes many times in a day. We both didn’t want to have children, but we hated using the condom. So we both decided to put me on the pill. We have been kinky and all. We have done everything that involves just two of us. We have never got a third person in our relationship. We have had piss sex and drinking sperm and period sex and everything messy. I tried sharing about this anonymously, everyone was judgemental. But the fact was this has made me really charged all the time.

The problem is that my husband’s family is in his native place and his father needs him there for a while to solve some property issues. Now, I am alone here. I am so habituated to sex.

I didn’t want to cheat… but I ended up sleeping with one of my neighbours who is 18 years old. He just came home for coffee and while chatting, I made the move and we ended up having vanilla sex.

The problem is that I don’t feel guilty. I told my friend about this and she feels that I have done some sin and should confess to my husband.

She is my best friend I don’t want to dishonour her, but I also don’t want the drama of telling my husband and stuff. I am just not ready for it. Moreover, I don’t feel guilty. Isn’t this my husband’s fault also… I mean, he habituated me to sex and then he left me and went to his hometown for his father. His family didn’t even approve of our wedding, so I couldn’t go. Should he have stayed in the same city as me, we would have had sex and there would have been no reason for me to have sex with another person.

I don’t think there is anything wrong. My friend may be biased because she knows both of us – me and my husband and is thinking from his point of view also. Also, I think my friend watches a lot of Hindi films. LOL. The emotional fool that I am, I value my friend and what she says. She says that this can lead to the break up between me and my husband. Now I don’t want to lose my husband – he is good to chat on the dining table and also is fab in bed. You know what I mean? Should I feel guilty? I don’t really feel guilty? Should I risk everything and tell my husband? I have never slept with anyone else ever in my romantic life. This time I did and surprisingly I don’t regret it. Should I? I am just so confused!

Could you help me.

Regards

Mrs In Mess

Dear Mrs In Mess,

Thank you for writing in and trusting me with your intimate details. In keeping with the same confidence, allow me to be brutally honest about my views. For starters, the positives - 10 years I long time. I am really happy to hear that you and your husband have kept the flame of sexuality alive and ki(n)cking! The chemistry is certainly working in that regard and I also read that there is innovation in your love making that you explore that makes it more energetic.

What kind of sex you and your partner have is completely your purview – as long as it is with complete, continuous consent, is safe for people in the act, and is between adults – I don’t see a reason why anyone should bother about it.

From your mail, I gather that having your relationship with your husband open from either side was not a part of the plan. However, when people enter a relationship, it is important to set boundaries. It is also important to revisit and redefine the boundaries every two or three years.

I think it is certainly unfair to blame your husband for “getting you habituated” to a fulfilling sex life because I also gather that all of it was consensual and mutually satisfying.

Now coming to your sexual encounter with the 18-year-old, I don’t think your friend or I or anybody should have any authority to tell you that you should feel guilty about it. We all are beings of our own moral codes, and one can’t determine how another should feel. This is true for your husband also.

To tell your husband is a choice that only and only you should make because you and only you are going to live with the repercussions of it. It is important for you to know that your husband can’t react the way you want him to react, he can only react the way he wants to react.

Hiding the truth is not the same as telling a lie but when people find out, there is a possibility that the reactions are negative.

I would want you to deliberate on a few questions. It is important for you to gauge the effects of keeping a secret from someone you love. Are you able to bury the skeletons of the past without letting it bother you with a guilt trip in future? Is the burden of keeping a secret much more than the possibility of unfavourable reactions to the sharing of truth? Will you be able to bury this truly? How will your reaction with the 18-year-old be? And most importantly, will you be okay if your husband also was making love to someone and keeping it as a secret?

Your friends, your family and strangers like me, could shower our judgements and advice, but this is your life, you have to live it, and you have to determine what is good for you and your loved ones.

Good luck with that.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. All the best.

No True Love in the Gay Market?

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 23-year-old man. Could you please tell me is there true love available in the gay market?

I mean, everyone here is looking for sex. I am fed up. I am really fed up. I look for love. I find only sex. People who want to f!@k me and leave. They don’t even wait for me to finish and cum. I am fed up. I wonder if there are only such flesh lovers in the gay market. I am fed up of it.

Is this the only thing that’s there? Is having sex the only purpose of being gay? Why can't I find true love in this market? I don’t want to be gay. I hate being gay. Where can I find people who do things other than sex? I am in this market for love not for sex. Get it?

Love-lost

Dear Love-lost,

A very warm and tight hug to you.

I know sometimes true love seems elusive. Sometimes true love plays hide-n-seek. But that doesn’t really mean that true love doesn’t exist in the gay world.

Homosexuals are not homogeneous. We are all not the same.

There are people who look for sex. There are people who look for love. There are people who look for love and sex. And there are people in the asexual spectrum too who are a part of the gay world. We exist in all permutations and combinations of sexual desire, as we do in a spectrum of other emotions. We are all not the same. tell me, where do you meet fellow gay people? Assuming that you mean dating apps by “market”, most of the people in GPS enabled cis queer men dating apps have people focussed on sex.

But that is just one portion of the queer populace.

Maybe, it would be a good idea to engage with local queer groups. Just on Facebook, you have queer travellers, queer foodies, queer activists, queer people groups based on political beliefs, queer professionals and so on and so forth.

Maybe, it is time for you to step out and interact with more queer people. I am not saying that you would not encounter people who want to have sex in these groups also, but here are interests that bind you beyond sex.

Give yourself the gift of knowing more gay people. Maybe you will feel better than.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. We are the rainbow, remember? How can we ever be defined by just one shade?

Can I Have Sex With Pubic Lice?

Dear RainbowMan,

What should I do for pubic lice? Will trimming or shaving pubic hair help? Is it okay to have sex? How do I protect my girlfriend from getting it?

Worried Man

Dear Worried Man,

Thank you for writing in.

It is common that people get rid of their pubic hair. But I am not sure if that by itself solves the issue of lice. Please do not hesitate to visit a doctor, it would be wonderful if you could see a sexologist.

The risk of transmission of pubic lice during sexual encounters is high. For the sake of your partner, I would request you to regard abstain from having sex till you get rid of the pubic lice.

Things get better. Please visit a sexologist.

Hugs. RainbowMan

P.S. no sex until then. Please.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)