Sexolve 224: My Best Friend Ghosted Me
“Only you can define yourself and your sexuality,” writes equal rights activist Harish Iyer.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
My Boyfriend Asked Me to Use a Strap-on on Him
I am a 26-year-old woman in love with a man for the past 4 years. We have been together in a relationship ever since I was 20 or so. We have been together in good times and bad, gone through the rigmarole of semi-small breakups and patch-ups and have finally come to the conclusion that we love each other dearly and profoundly.
He is my best friend, someone I can confide in almost anything. And he confides in me too, practically anything and everything he shares with me.
I was therefore very surprised and shook when in the middle of the lovemaking session he got up and handed over a big strap on. He wanted me to wear it and have anal sex with him. He had never ever confided in me about this that he had. I had never anally stimulated him. But he had hid this secret desire from me for, god knows how many years. I am frustrated just thinking about it. I haven’t mustered the courage to confront him. What if he confirms my greatest fear – that he has been hiding that he is bisexual… is he secretly bisexual? I experimented with the strap on with him but broke down mid-way. It was frustrating. I have many questions to ask but don’t even know if I am thinking in the right way or not. Please help me.
Dear Lone Girl,
Thank you so much for writing in. I know that relationships are full of surprises sometimes. Sometimes with time, people reveal things that you were never aware of and you keep wondering if they kept it hiding from you. Sometimes we wonder if there is any ulterior motive, and sometimes we realise that we have just been giving too much meaning to incidences than what they deserve.
Your boyfriend is not automatically gay or bisexual if he fantasizes you using a strap on to penetrate him.
It could be just another mode of sexual exploration that might have caught his imagination through a film or porn or conversation with his guy pals.
It may not be a case of “hiding things”, it may just be “exploration”. Why assume before you ask?
One shouldn’t forget that even though couples could be soulmates, they are two different individuals who have their own individual lives. It is nice if they retain their individuality and don’t become one person.
So yes, it is possible that your partner didn’t feel like telling you some personal fantasy, and it doesn’t always account to cheating. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Be frank with your questions but ensure that they come from a point of curiosity and not from the space of investigations or allegations.
What matters is that he is unwavering in his love for you today. And this fantasy or his past, shouldn’t be the reason to take that away from him.
P.S. True love is hard to get. Let no doubts spoil the relationship. Clear your doubts promptly
My Best Friend Ghosted Me
I don’t know how I should feel about it. I was very close to a friend. She is my best friend. All this while we have been together in thick and thin but something happened recently that has left me scarred.
I was going through a low patch in my life, and I reached out to her multiple times to just speak to her. I told her that I needed her and rather than listening to me, she blocked me. I wonder why she did that. We have had no fights or anything. I pleaded to her when she said she doesn’t want to talk to me, but she blocked me instead.
I wonder if I did anything wrong to warrant this… but couldn’t find anything wrong in my behaviour. Could you please tell me what I should do? Should I call her?
Dear Girl Interrupted,
Friendships are beautiful. I am glad that you found one such friend with whom you could share the world. One however has to remember that there could be rocky patches in every friendships. This could be one such rocky portion in the relationship that you share with your friend.
Your friend is entitled to her emotions. However, communication is key. You deserved to be told very precisely what is ticking her off to an extent that she blocked you.
I understand that you are now spending time just wondering what you did wrong to invite such a reaction from her. You find it abrupt and weird, rightly so. However, don’t beat yourself too much with it. Whatever be the reason she blocked you, given the close friendship that you share, I repeat, you deserve the decency of a conversation.
Blocking without a legitimate reason is disrespectful to not just you, but also the bond that you guys shared as friends.
She may be going through a challenging time that she didn’t want to share with you. But even then, you deserved more clarity.
I know one may be tempted to seek answers to such sudden departure from the person who left, but I would request you to abstain from it. You cannot spend the rest of your life predicting if she would come back or not. You could, however, choose to keep the door open, if she and when she does come back.
Time is a great healer. Truths reveal themselves or silences fade away with time.
Give this time.
P.S. Don’t let friendships cost you your self-respect. That would be too much of a price to pay
I Am Gay and Have No Interest in Anal Sex
I am a gay man but I have always never liked anal sex. Is there something weird with me? I don’t know how to define myself when people ask me if I am top or bottom. How do I define myself? I don’t know. Could you help?
Dear Curious Boi,
Thank you for writing in. The question you have asked is something many young queer men grapple with.
You don’t need to be defined in the categories of Top-Bottom-Versatile. Your desires do not need to fit into worldly definitions. I would suggest that you live your life unboxed.
There are many queer males who do not believe in anal sex and I know of gay couples who have never had anal sex with each other or outside their relationship.
For your knowledge though, besides top and bottom and versatile, there is also “side”. Sides are people who do not engage in anal sex.
Though many may argue it is not, the truth is - it is sex even if it is not sexual intercourse.
Only you can define yourself. Accept no one else’s definition of your life or desires. I can only tell you that it is okay if your desires or the lack of it, doesn’t fit into conventional definitions. It's okay to be different.
P.S. not all walk in the main road, some walk “side” ways.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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