Sexolve 261: ‘My Wife Is Too Dangerously Kinky’

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Wife Is Too Dangerously Kinky'

Dear RainbowMan,

My wife of two years wants to constantly spice things up in the bedroom.

So to say, supposedly I have a very happening sex life. She is 12 years younger than me and I was lucky enough to marry her only because it was an arranged marriage.

So, I never deny her anything and let her have her way. I was okay till she was into handcuffs and hot wax.

But now she wants to try autoerotic asphyxiation. I'm afraid, I've read it can kill you.

How do I tell this to my wife? What if she leaves me because of this? I am kinky too, but not so kinky. What can I do?

Regards

Poojaniya Patidev

Dear Poojaniya Patidev,

Thank you so much for writing in. Congratulations on your wedding and for a “happening” sex life.

I wanted to ask you something more important and basically very fundamental to any relationship– “Are you really happy?”

I know the connotations of the word “happy” could be different for different people.

Sexual satisfaction may also come in the realm of happiness for some, and there is nothing right or wrong about that, but we need to be sure that at the core we remember that - “Happiness is about loving yourself and your partner in the truest meaning of the world.”

Regarding her sexual adventures, it is important that there is consent at every act and at every level of every act.

If you like hot wax poured on your body – tell her. If you don’t like any other thing – tell her.

Consent is the most orgasmic thing ever.

And you can’t compromise safety, even for consent. I know that there are safe pathways to even the most dangerous kinks – but you need to determine, if you are up for it, and more importantly, if it is worth it.

I would personally stay away from kinks that drift in terrains where safety could be compromised.

I have heard all that your partner wants in sex.

What do you want?

What do you like?

What do you desire?

Sometimes do you want to get on the driver’s seat and drive the sexual agenda your way too? - Of course, by seeking your partners consent at every stage.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Play well, but play safe.

'No Orgies Makes My Sex Life Very Dull'

Dear RainbowMan,

My husband and I had a nice 'friends' group where we would have orgies and often switch partners.

But because of COVID, we have not gone swinging for more than a year.

I hope you don’t give me a moral lecture on this. I think you will not, but still.

Things are very dull in the bedroom as we never really had any feelings for each other.

We just got married to make our families happy. I don't want to get divorced.

But he is the most boring man on the planet! How do I spice things up without outside intervention?

Pyaasi Jaaneman

Dear Pyaasi Jaaneman,

Thank you so much for writing in.

First, let me address a doubt you may have.

No one reserves any right to tell anyone else what’s morally right and what’s not. We cannot weigh every act in a consensual relationship on the scale of right and wrong. We all have our own definitions of morality and it is not for anyone to impose their idea of morality on anyone else.

The operative word is consent. And consent has to be of all people involved and continuous. Consent can be withdrawn even in the middle of an act.

So, if you and your partner are having a consensual swinging partners arrangement, where the other swinging partners are also completely aware and consent to it – who is any other person to judge that?

I am glad that you both took a break from your arrangement during the pandemic. It is not a choice between life and death alone, it could be a choice between sex and danger.

Sitting in the same room, under the same roof with one person for too long may cause a lot of irritation.

Now that the lockdown is beginning to open up, do you both think it would be wise to venture out on a small vacation?

Maybe, breaking the monotony of surroundings would help. Maybe, engage with him on common interests beyond sex, and let sex be the point that is led into and not the essence of the communication.

You could also consider going on a solo trip or with a bunch of friends without your partner.

Sometimes, familiarity breeds irritation. Going away may get you closer. Try that?

Do give all these a thought.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. You are the best judge of your actions, no one else.

'I Shoved It In My Butt, It Got Stuck.'

Dear RainbowMan

I put something inside my butt and it went right in.

I am very worried as it has not come out.

I am scared.

Butt Naturally

Dear Butt Naturally,

Thanks for writing in. Irrespective of what you inserted in your anus, if you think it has not been ejected – you should go and share with a doctor.

If you are too shy to go to a family doctor, maybe you could visit a sexologist who could guide you.

Please be thoda careful next time.

Take Care,
RainbowMan

P.S. Please visit the doctor. Treat this like an SOS.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)