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Sexolve 201: I Am Bisexual and in Love with a Younger Woman 

Sexolve 201: I Am Bisexual and in Love with a Younger Woman 

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Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

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I Am a Bisexual Woman, in a Relationship With a Younger Woman

Sexolve 201: I Am Bisexual and in Love with a Younger Woman 
“I want to marry my girlfriend one day.“

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old woman in love with another woman. She is just 18.

She is beginning her life and I have reached a point in my life where my parents are looking for a guy for me. I told my parents that I am bisexual and in love with a girl, they replied saying that since I am bisexual I should be able to live with a man too.

I am confused if I should be happy about my parents accepting my sexuality or for the fact that they don’t think my affair with this 18-year-old sweetheart will stand the test of time.

In a parallel plane, though my girlfriend is very committed towards me, I sometimes think that she would stray because of her age. Actually, that’s what everyone has been telling me. I cannot get any younger, and I want her to be wiser and choose me always. I don’t know if her age will stop her from doing so.

What do you think? What do you suggest? I want to marry my girlfriend one day. That’s what I truly wish. I mean, seriously, I love her, love her so much. I am bisexual but I have no man in my life. I want a relationship and a committed one with her. How do I proceed? Can you guide me?

By The Way

Dear By The Way,

Thank you for writing in. I understand the pangs of a heart that longs for a life of love and companionship with the one you wish to add to your life.

You have a lot of things that are running in your head. Let me help you compartmentalise and thereby you will be able to deal with them better.

Regarding your bisexuality, let me tell you that just because you are bisexual doesn’t mandate that you should get into a relationship with the other populous sex.

People can get attracted to more than one people of same or different genders, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will get into a relationship with them. What the composition of the relationship should be, is best decided by the person themselves. And no other person should decide the same for them.

Your girlfriend is 18. She is not 12. At 18, she has the right to vote and has cognitive abilities.

It is a myth that the young cannot be trusted for loyalty. I have seen wavering minds of all ages. The extra gush of hormones is no excuse to discriminate against the young by branding them as carefree.

It is undisputed though that at 18 she must be at the beginning of her career and studies, you would be probably be getting into the world of launching yourself in a cushy job. You are at different stages of life. You deserve a great deal of understanding and acceptance amongst each other. However, do not assume that she is not worthy of understanding you, or that you are not capable of understanding her.

Love teaches us things. Love gives us wings.

If your girlfriend loves you, and you love her, let not worldly wisdom capsize your boat of love. Row it together with love and empathy.

Wish you and your girlfriend all the love.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Let life lead you from doubt to love.

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I Am Trying to Find out My Gender

Sexolve 201: I Am Bisexual and in Love with a Younger Woman 
“The only thing I am sure about is that I am not a cis woman but at the same time I don’t hate my body.”

Dear RainbowMan,

I am 25 years old and my sex assigned at birth is female. I never felt that I am actually in a female body.

It's not that I hate my body. From my childhood, whenever I saw a romantic movie, I have always put myself in the place of the male actor. I never imagined myself in place of the female character. My gender expression is like a boy since my childhood. I love to dress up like a boy/man and to have short hair. I never liked to do any of those typically girly things like makeup etc. In my mind, I treat myself as a boy knowing the fact that I am a born female. My sexual orientation is towards a female. I like girls and am in love with one. Now I am confused with my identity.

The only thing I am sure about is that I am not a cis woman but at the same time I don’t hate my body and I always thought of having a male body. I don’t know if I am a non-binary or a transman or gender fluid.

These questions have always followed me and I am still not able to answer them. I really don't know who I am but it is how I am.

Regards,

Person

Dear Person,

Thank you for writing in. This is deeply personal so thanks for trusting me with it.

Our entire lives are a journey of becoming the most authentic version of ourselves.

Let me borrow some words from your question in my response - It is not a rule that everyone (whose gender expression is like that of a boy and/or treats oneself as a boy in one’s mind or wishes to have a male body) has to be unaccepting or angry or hate the body they were born with.

No other person would be able to tell you who you are, except you yourself. I would like to share that sometimes we try to match ourselves with the definitions that are available in the lexicon, you could actually be a combination of a few things, or you could even not want to identify with any of the definitions. Or even identify with different things at different stages of your life. It is sometimes a spectrum.

As time gets better, and we get more acquainted with ourselves, things may get clearer for us. Just as you are now clear that you do not identify as a cis-woman.

Sometimes, it helps when we do not confine our identities and our bodies into boxes of definitions, but liberate it from words and allow our minds and bodies to feel what we feel wholly and truly.

As I said, it is only you who can decide to identify as someone. Do not hesitate to seek the assistance of a mental health professional who could help you in your journey of self-discovery.

Thank you so much, once again for sharing with me.

Hugs,

RainbowMan

P.S. unfurl your wings

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At 55 I’m ‘Sexited’, My Wife Is Not

Sexolve 201: I Am Bisexual and in Love with a Younger Woman 
“ I am a 55-year-old man with a lot of interest/excitement with regards to sexual intercourse.”

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 55-year-old man with a lot of interest/excitement with regards to sexual intercourse.

The problem is that my wife doesn’t like this behaviour of mine. Could you please suggest some medicine which will decrease my libido?

Old Yet Agile

Dear Old Yet Agile,

Thank you for writing in. At the outset, I’d like to share that I am not a doctor and even otherwise, I think it is always good even for doctors to suggest medicines only after a proper physical examination for any ailment.

I would suggest that you focus on things that you love engaging in. Is there a sport that you like to play? is there a place that you like to travel to? is there a hobby that you like to immerse yourself in? Probably, you could help your mind with some healthy diversions.

Also, do you engage in things beyond sexual intercourse?

Sex could be pleasurable and innovative too without the actual need of a penis to enter a vagina.

Oral sex, speaking about sex, foreplay can all be as pleasurable if you like it.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Do not hesitate seeing a counsellor or a doctor anytime.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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