Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Found My Son Fondling His Penis’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 37-year-old woman with a 9-year-old son. I have been a single mom since the past 3 years after my husband passed away in a terrible road accident. Things have not been easy for us as a family. While I have enough wealth to last 2 generations and did not have to struggle to make ends meet or anything close to that... I have been depressed and always feel guilty that I am not spending happy times with my son. I have a house help who assists me with daily chores of my child. Recently my househelp had taken a leave and I sneaked into my sons room and I was shocked to see him completely undressed and fondling his penis. I lost my cool and told him that he is not old enough to do this. I don’t know what my next step should be. Could you guide me. My life is in a bigger mess now. Please help me out.
Worried Mother
Dear Worried Mother,
I cannot even claim to understand the pain that one goes through when they lose their partner all of a sudden to a road accident. I thank you for trusting in me and sharing this challenging moment of your life with me.
It is easy to lose control and balance when tragedy knocks you down. Your feeling about not spending much time with your child, stands testimony to the fact that you are concerned about your child and have not lost track of his future.
Coming to your child fondling himself. As kids grow up, their sexuality awakens with the changes in their body. Right from pubic hair, to an extra dose of testosterone - at the awakening of puberty they undergo many changes in their bodies. Most children, irrespective of gender, are confused and try hard to make sense with what they are feeling. At this crucial moment of their lives they need someone to explain things to them with love.
I suggest that you have a heart of heart conversation with your child about his body parts and what his body is going through. Have the essential, safe touch-unsafe touch conversation as well.
Fondling his penis is absolutely normal. Let him not feel that he cannot touch his own body parts and has to seek parental approval for that. What he does in private should be left to him to decide.
We just can share about public decency and consent and when they grow up also tell them about love and making love at the right age when their bodies and minds are ready to make an informed decision.
We live in a country where children don’t want to think that their parents have sex and parents don’t want to think that their children are beings capable of sexual feelings. We need to change that for the good of our children. Speak to him. Educate. Help him deal with his adolescence.
Be his guide.
Smiles
RainbowMan
‘I Am Afraid My Wife is a Lesbian’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been married for 17 years. Even now, I am technically married, but my wife has actually left me for another woman friend of hers. And I suspect she is a lesbian. We had no domestic issues. We had good sex too, until this woman came into my wife’s life and she left me one day to live with her on a small quarrel that we had over some absolutely silly issue. What should I do to get this other woman out of her life and make her love me again?
Hubby Jaan
Dear Hubby Jaan,
I trust you, because you have written to me. However, I am sure that your partner in marriage will have her version of the story too. It sounds rather strange when you say that she left you “for another woman” over some “silly quarrel”. Maybe there is more to that than meets the eye?
She could be heterosexual, she could be bisexual, she could be lesbian too, this is a truth of her life, and only she could tell you, if and when she wants to tell you. Therefore I suggest that you don’t flex your brain muscles on this issue.
It is common for people of the same gender to bond with each other. In India it is also common to have relationships that seem almost like a “relationship” in the romantic sense of the word. Maybe it is time that you speak to her one-on-one. Don’t commit the sin of telling her that you assume she is a lesbian. Speak to her and tell her that you would like to work on your relationship. Don’t keep this talk very emotion heavy but have a very practical kind of conversation.
Golden Rules – don’t assume, speak it out instead.
Smiles
RainbowMan
‘How Important is Sex in a Relationship?’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 23-yearold gay man. I have the weirdest question to ask you, but believe me that this is most important for me right now. I am not so fond of having sex. I believe in bodily pleasures though touching, feeling etc. But not sex. Will I find a partner if I am disinterested in sex? Will I get bullied for not being man enough?
Man Enough
Dear Man Enough,
Your sexuality and masculinity is not determined by your libido or your looks or your body.
You are man enough even if you feel less handsome some days, when you feel less sexual and when you don’t look like Hritik Roshan.
Every person involved in the sexual or emotional relationship determines the boundaries and acceptable sexual expression and behaviour in the relationship. There are no set rules that you should have penetrative sex every time you get into a relationship. But yes, this is something in which your partner will have a say.
So there is nothing wrong with you. You are good.
Smiles
RainbowMan
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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