Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Was Abused by My Mother, And No One Seems to Understand’
Dear RainbowMan,
I dont know if you would believe me or not believe me. Or maybe you will, because you have gone through this in some way too. But I can’t even understand if you would even understand the trauma that I have gone through. I am a woman. Today I am 24. I never liked my mother, and I didn’t know why. She was nice and kind with me all the time. Until, one day, after a certain trigger I got a flash in my mind that my mother had inserted her fingers inside my vagina many times in childhood and forced my fingers inside her vagina. Today, my mom behaves nicely with me. However, I cannot get myself to trust her. How do I work things out?
Beti
Dear Beti,
Thank you for trusting me and pouring your heart to me. I understand where you are coming from and understand that trauma in childhood could have a ripple effect in adulthood. I have sailed in the same boat and understand the trauma that you could be going through. I will, however, also like to state that I will not like to empathise with you, taking my lived experience into account, because every experience and reciprocation is different, even though the situations may seem similar. On that level, yes, I empathise with you. I understand you.
There are ways you could legally pursue this, I wonder if you want to take the legal route though.
You need a mental health professional to help you heal. Regarding your mom, I would rather suggest that you somehow convince your mother to go with you for a counselling session as well.
If she has reformed and is not abusive, maybe, she will do well with an unbiased counsellor. You could also write to Arpan. You will get the details in www.arpan.org.in
Regards,
RainbowMan
‘My Wife is Dating My Brother’
Dear RainbowMan,
My wife is dating my brother. I caught them red handed when they were making out. What do I do to ensure that my brother is out of our life?
Someone
Dear Someone,
Kindly bring this up with your wife. You should speak to her. You should explain. You should consider divorce or separation or reconciliation based on that.
I know you would be angry. However, do all this with an open mind and with the least of emotions involved.
Love that’s gone, has gone. But sometimes, love comes back too. Speak to your loved ones. You will know where they stand, where you stand and where your love stands.
Smiles
RainbowMan.
‘My Husband Believes in Cum Swapping’
Dear RainbowMan,
My husband is a bisexual person and I have no issues with that. He has sex with me, and we have no issues with this either. I have of late developed an aversion for kisses as I know my husband cum-swaps with his male partners. I am a monogamous woman, and I hate the fact that the mouth would have swallowed sperm.
Understanding Wife
Dear Understanding Wife,
I don’t come across couples who are so clear in their understanding, especially when it comes to discussing their husband’s fantasies and sexual leanings. Thank you for being open minded about this and I hope that it is not just you who is understanding of his feelings, but also that he is equally concerned about you.
I understand you fear for hygiene and that stops you from kissing him. Please bring it up with him. Speak to him. You have been understanding enough to not force him to be monogamous. Let him do some understanding too. Give him the chance to understand you.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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