Sexolve 91: ‘At 50, I Suddenly Want to be a Woman’

All your most pressing questions on sex and relationships answered by equal rights activist Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Feel My Penis Needs to go Away to Make Way for a Vagina’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been married for the past 20 years. Our marriage was born out of love and we have been madly in love with each other right through the past 20 years. We rarely disagreed on anything and we never really fought. We have two teenage children and they are also very loving. Everything is peaceful. Everything is nice and perfect including sex and finances. It should not seem like there is any trouble per se but in the past two months things have drifted a little.

Though things at the surface are similar, things within me have changed. This happened after I tried my wife’s panties for the first time. When my legs slipped into her panties, I felt like a complete woman. Ever since that time, I have been thinking of women’s bodies. Not to be with women, but being like a woman. It seems to have kindled some fantasies that I never knew I had. I feel like a woman. I want to be a woman. I feel my penis needs to go away to make way for a vagina.

I have started loving everything, from lipstick to long hairs to everything that women wear, everything that makes women beautiful. I want to be a woman. I have hidden this aspect of my life from my wife. I am sure she will be very surprised. I was surprised myself. I want to know how I could proceed with this. How do you suggest I deal with this. Is this a passing phase. Will this phase out? Will I change and get better. I don’t want this to affect my love life with my wife. We have had no issues. It is perfect. I wonder why these desires are coming in our way. Please help me from being a changed man. Help me return to my original self or help me adapt to this. Help me. This is happening so suddenly at 50, please help me.

Worried Man

Dear Worried Man,

I can understand the challenges when the truths of our lives could affect us at the time when everything seems hunky dory and sailing in smooth waters. Thank you for sharing this with me. Let me steer away from evaluating your present state, because these things cannot be evaluated over emails. I can only tell you though, that there is nothing wrong with you even if you sometimes indulge in loving a woman’s body or feel like being a woman.

I know it is easier said than done, but I should say what should be said – It is okay to feel the way you feel.

Sometime these “explorations” or these “truths” not in teenage or in early adulthood but after many years of successful heterosexual and heteronormative and cisgendered life. It is okay. Sometimes the world around us is so typical that our minds are even closed to the idea of transgenderism.

I am not assuming that you are transgender, I am just telling you that there is a possibility and the fact that you have not thought so for so many years, doesn’t mean you cannot think so now. Your gender dilemma is something that only a psychiatrist could help you evaluate and that also only over a period of time. I urge you to fix up an appointment with a psychiatrist at the soonest.

You are blessed with a good life and an understanding family. But understand that every relationship sometimes go through waves of crests and troughs. The truths of our lives sometimes intermingle with what’s perceived as the universal truth of the world and create some uncomfortable ripples. But you will sail through with a little help from a professional along with love and empathy from the ones you call family.

Good luck,
RainbowMan

‘My Boyfriend Accepts My Bisexuality, But I am Worried He Wants to Explore His Desires with Men’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 26-year-old bisexual woman who has been in a relationship with a man for the past 3 years. He is very supportive of my sexuality and knows that I have had flings with women all through these 3 years. Yesterday he told me that he wants to try with a man too and explore if he is bisexual. I don’t think I am open to that idea. I cannot imagine him having sex with a man. I find that image gory and disgusting. I wonder if I am inadequate in providing him love and sex. What can I do to dissuade him, without actually telling him that I dislike his explorations, without actually getting him to say “but you did it too” … ?

Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend,

A couple charts the plan of their relationship together. Some call love a game. I wonder why though. Because, there are no universal rules. There are no maps and there is no prescribed direction. However, one thing that is a must here – is fairness and trust. And in all fairness, the rules of this relationship cannot be different for different people. I understand that there could be jealousy and anger, and that needs to be acknowledged.

However, we need to understand that acceptance is a two-way street. Your partner stood with you and understood your desires to be with a woman at times, it is your time to show the same respect and understanding with his explorations and path to self-discovery.

To feel jealous is natural. To feel insecure is natural. To feel the pressure is natural. Love is not the absence of anger, insecurity and jealousy, love is despite that. Rules in relationships are equal for all people involved. Let there be fairness in love.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

‘Will I Get Pregnant If I Swallow Cum’

Dear RainbowMan,

I swallowed cum when I was giving my boyfriend an oral job. Will I get pregnant?

Worried Girl, Somewhere.

Dear Worried Girl,

There is no reason for you to worry.

Sperms are motile, but they will not brave the journey through your gullet and stomach to reach your fallopian tubes. They are lazy that way.

You can’t get pregnant by oral sex.

Regards,
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)