Sexolve 92: ‘I Had Sex With My Best Friend’s Sister’
All your most pressing questions on sex and relationships answered by equal rights activist Harish Iyer.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Had Sex With My Friend’s Sister’
I am a 25-year-old man in a committed relationship with a woman. Two weeks have passed and I am unable to wrap my head around this or make any sense whatsoever. I feel suicidal and difficult to face the world for the sin I committed. I was at my best friend’s place.
My friend was not around. His sister, two years my junior, was at home. We exchanged a few glances. We drank some wine. The music was playing on loop and soon we were all over each other. It started with a few hugs and a few pecks. One thing lead to the other, and we started necking and soon our clothes were off and we were fornicating like bunnies. All this while the fact that she was my friend’s sister seemed insignificant for me. I was high on emotion and couldn’t stop myself. Neither could she.
We did this for over three hours, until we could hear my friend’s car, and we suddenly woke up to our senses, wore our clothes and started behaving as if nothing happened. My friend’s first question to both of us was “did you guys have a good time?”. I felt awkward, ashamed and stupid. His sister felt awkward too.
I am not in love with his sister. I have a girlfriend. This was just one night. This was only one mistake. I am, however, feeling like a cheat. I have cheated on my friend. I have cheated on his sister. I have cheated on my girlfriend. To me fidelity is important. I went against my own principles. I am so ashamed. So damn ashamed.
Dear Upset Friend,
I hear you. I understand where you are coming from. I understand the feeling of guilt that seems like destroying you. You had set boundaries of commitment with your partner and feel horrible that you have gone further than what you agreed on with her. I also understand the fact that you feel you have let your friend down by rolling over the hay with his sister. I get that.
I suggest that you quickly meet a counsellor, especially because you harbour the thoughts of suicide. You will get better. Things will get better. Hang in there. And seek help. I am telling you from personal experience, believe me, I have been seeing a shrink and my challenges have shrunken ever since and my perspectives have widened.
I am not a fan of water tight committed relationships, but I understand that every lover will draw their own unique boundaries in any relationship with their partner/s. It is the responsibility of the lovers to honour that. However, it is also important that we understand that there could be genuine slip-offs. I am not your girlfriend, I can’t speak for her. But I would rather overlook physical infidelity, but hate it if my partner shares the same emotional space with someone else.
I think your girlfriend deserves to know the truth. And you deserve to have a reserve of courage to accept her decision post that.
You drove solo on the high road to fantasy, now stay back and be her passenger, as she takes the driver’s seat in this relationship.
Regarding you letting your friend down – well, his sister and you are adults. From your statement it is clear that both of you consented to it and both of you wanted it at that moment. So I don’t see a reason why you should feel guilty. Just go with the flow.
And yes, please don’t forget the counsellor bit. Please don’t neglect mental health. Here is a website that I wish you look at http://samaritansmumbai.com/. Please visit Samaritans Mumbai or call them for help.
‘I Don’t Feel the Urge For Sex’
I am in a relationship with a very charming and passionate man. We have been together for three years, but we are yet to go “all the way” in the relationship. I don’t seem to be getting sexual with him. It is not that I don’t like him, I am not even remotely in the area of disgust, but I just don’t seem to have the appetite for sex where love and emotions are involved. I would much rather just have sex with a stranger and be more open about lusting the stranger than making love to my partner. My boyfriend is a little upset by this. How do I work around this?
Dear Sexy Lover,
There is a difference between ‘making love’ and ‘having sex’. ‘Making love’ has more emotions invested in the act as compared to ‘having sex’. Understand that while ‘having sex’ may happen at impulse, ‘making love’ would need a lot of time, dedication and empathy put into it for making it happen. I dont know what ‘all the way’ in your relationship means, for many it means penetrative sex, for some it means a blow job and for some others it is just being naked with each other.
Please understand that a relationship will need a lot of understanding and confrontation of our inhibitions that come in because of invasion of personal spaces and emotions.
It will be worthwhile to ask yourself – what inhibits you? Is it just that you don’t see love and making love in the same lens, it is your ideals or is it some other limiting factor? Do reflect.
It is natural, that over time, your partner, no matter how open minded, would draw comparisons in his head. It is normal for him to assume you don’t love him the same way, if you think of making love with others, but not him. The worst is if he dwells in self-doubt and starts thinking “what have I done wrong” or “am I not good enough”.
I am sure people who love understand the love. I am not saying that you are obligated to have sex if you are in a relationship, however, it is not that you don’t want to have sex either. Work on it. Maybe let yourself loose a little. Let him embrace a little. And reciprocate love with love. Body is just the extension of the mind. When minds make love, bodies can too.
‘My Husband’s Penis is Too Small’
Is there a way to increase the size of my husbands penis? It is too small and I don’t get satisfaction.
Dear Worried Wife,
There are methods of being satisfied even when someone has a smaller than usual penis. Kindly see a sexologist to seek assistance.
I don’t know about penile enlargement capsules. There are many advertisements and it is difficult to say what is fake and what is true. Don’t fall into the trap of their gimmicks. Rely just on a professional doctor for advice on the same.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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