Sexolve 96: ‘My Wife is Only Satisfied with Oral Sex’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s weekly column on sex and relationships.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Wife Prefers Oral Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 37-year-old married man. I wanted to share that our married life is wonderful but for sex. I have always been a fan of intercourse, however, my wife is satisfied with oral sex. She particularly gets excited with oral fondling of breasts. How do I handle this situation?

Worried Husband.

Dear Worried Husband,

Thank you for sharing this private part of your life with me. I understand that sexual chemistry is an integral part of a couples life, but it is also an area that needs immense amount of patience and understanding. Did you find out what is it that is particularly bothering her about intercourse? Maybe you should do that if you have not done that yet.

Check with her, understand her, have an open conversation about sex, not one that is high on emotions. You could then together find solutions that could be mutually helpful for both of you.

There is nothing in the world that cannot be solved by reaching out to each other and speaking out.

Regards,
RainbowMan

‘A Body Massage Got Me Excited’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old male virgin. Recently I experienced something strange which has never happened before. I went for a body massage and while the massage was going on I ejaculated. I am really confused how it happened while taking a massage from a girl.

Should I consult a doctor?

Regards,
Mr Quickie

Dear Quickie,

We all should always have a doctor with whom we can discuss our “private” details. I am not a doctor, but I have had varied experiences with sex and body massages. I can say comfortably, sometimes that touch, by that person, in that part of my body that gets easily excited, when one is in that mood makes a lot of difference. Sometimes orgasms take a moment, sometimes an hour and sometimes forever and sometimes one has none at all. Do speak to a sexologist or your doctor if you think it is premature.

But here’s my advice - let not one experience get you to generalise.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

‘I Can’t Tell If My Wife Has Orgasmed’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a straight man from India. I have been married for the past four months. I had no sexual experience before I got married. My wife and I have regular sex, unfortunately I am unable to tell if she has orgasmed. I want to ensure that she is satisfied. How will I come to know if she has climaxed at the peak?

Regards,
SteelMan

Dear SteelMan,

Thank you for writing in. And thank you for being considerate towards your partner’s experience of sexual pleasure. I should tell you that being unselfish is the first step towards having a fulfilling sexual life.

There is no “method” or a sure “sign” to check if someone has orgasmed. Orgasms are not always with load moans and screams like they show in porn films, it is sometimes quiet enough to be expressed with an innocent smile.

The best way to check if your partner is satisfied is simple - ask your partner.

The person themselves and no one else can be the best judge of their body. Don’t make this conversation like a formal examination. Your life partner and sexual partner is not a multiple choice question where she has to tick on satisfied, very satisfied or not satisfied. Engage in a lot of pillow talk. Check with her occasionally how she feels and if there is something more you could do to pleasure her. And also, don’t make this only about her. Ensure that you both steer it in the direction of mutual pleasure.

Good luck.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

‘My Boyfriend Has No Time for Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

My life is a mess. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 months. My boyfriend was a real cool guy with whom I could discuss practically anything. Now suddenly he needs “space”. But he doesn’t need the space when he is with his friends. Why doesn’t he speak to me the way he does with his friends. We used to go to parties with his friends all the time, and suddenly he needs his “me time” with his friends. Why doesn’t he love me the way he did and why is our love deteriorating?

Sad Girl

Dear Sad Girl,

I empathise with you. And I empathise with your male partner. I assume his friends were his friends before you guys were in a relationship. Your relationship with him of 4 months should not affect his relationships with his old friends. Yes, he made you a part of his life and circle of friends, however, that’s his life and his circle of friends. Don’t do the mistake that many people do in relationships. And I should admit, I did too. Don’t crowd him with every bit of yourself.

Don’t make him the focus of your life. If he goes out with his friends, I don’t see a reason why you should not go out with your friends instead of expecting to be tagged along all the time. Don’t at any point make him feel that your love is too heavy for him to carry.

Focus on all the love you have for him, but focus on your life as well. Don’t stop loving him the way you do, but just moderate it a little to ensure that you guys are happy together.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)