Sexolve 153: ‘Does My College Sweetheart Still Love Me?’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Finally Met Gay People like Me, but They Fat Shamed Me’
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am a 32-year-old man from Mumbai. I hail from a village in Maharashtra. I didn’t know a word of English around three years ago when I followed your advice and moved to Mumbai where I could live and breathe like a gay person. Eventually, I learnt English and in fact mastered it to an extent that people who know me cannot even make out that I am someone who has studied in Marathi medium all through my education. I thought everything will be fine. I met gay people, I thought I have found a new lease of life with people who are like me. I expected kindness and love and I found it.
Mumbai is a loving city. I also got to meet you in person. I thought I had a new family outside of my family. I was happy and far away from the suffocating life in rural India where I could not be myself. However, this was very very short-lived. I soon put on weight and no gay guy wanted a ‘fat’ gay friend – even my closest gay friends and lovers said that I have “too big an arse” and that I looked “fat and ugly”. I tried going on fasts for days and days, but I couldn’t get thinner. I don’t know what I should do to get myself accepted in Mumbai.
Is there another city in India that is accepting of overweight gays? I am tired of fighting this battle. What can I do? Please guide me.
Dear Fatso Gay,
Thank you for writing in. I should confess that I couldn’t recollect the previous mail you wrote to me, however, I am glad that you could meet fellow gay men in Mumbai. As a fellow Bombayite, I apologise to you for the fat shaming that you had to face in our city. It is true that though some cities are better than the others with regards to integration of people who are different, it still boils down to personal experiences.
I am glad that you have accepted your sexuality. I understand from your mail that you have had a tough time understanding and accepting your sexuality when you didn’t find people like you in your village and found yourself in the middle of homophobia. But you eventually accepted yourself and made an attempt to meet people like you, even if that meant migrating to another city.
You can move from city to city and even relocate to a different country or a different continent, but you cannot run away from yourself. You cannot run away from being gay or from belonging to a certain body type. Acceptance of your complete self is key to your success and sustainability.
People who body shame you, reflect their own insecurities. Look at it as their disability to understand the hurt and pain that they cause through their words and actions. Wish them well.
Even when you have achieved everything in life, people will make holes in your parachute when you are imagining the idea of landing safe and sound. Let them. Remember, that you don’t just have the parachute to keep you flying, you have hidden wings too. It is time that you use them.
Things get better. They always do.
P.S. Things will get better when we face them rather than fighting them.
‘I Have One Testicle, Will I Able to Be a Father?’
I have only one testicle and I get equal sperm as other average men. But am I normal? I plan to marry a woman very soon, will I be able to father a child?
Dear One Limb,
Thank you for writing in. Though your mail is not very direct about your question of “am I normal”, let me still try answering – I understand that you are a man who has had sexual encounters with men, but want to marry a woman. There is nothing abnormal when men have sex with men. Homosexual encounters are not abnormal. Hetrosexual encounters are not abnormal. Experimenting is not abnormal. However, I would suggest that you evaluate yourself and understand what your sexuality is before getting married to a woman.
Regarding the testicle issue, let me share that I am not a doctor and these questions are best answered by a doctor. I can only share what I know through my experience and others who confide in me. Kindly verify with a doctor.
Do visit a doctor to find the most appropriate answer.
P.S. Marry only after you know who you really are in terms of sexuality.
‘I Met My College Affair, Does He Love Me Still?’
I am a huge fan of yours and would love to get a response from you. I wanted to share with you about my crush and love from college. I was in a hostel where I shared my room with seven other boys. I found myself hugely distracted by one of the boys. He was very, very different from me. One day, when he and I were alone in the room and we were watching the movie Great Grand Masti, we got a little intimate. I touched his hands, and slowly took my lips close to his. He didn’t stop himself. I didn’t stop myself and we ended up kissing. After that, we had more chances, one thing led to another, and we had sex as well.
I wanted to focus on studies not sex. Soon I started distancing myself from him. When I returned to college after my vacation, I started avoiding him. I thought “Yeh galat hai” (This is wrong). When he called to check on me, I didn’t take his call. But then we met one day and made up. We grew very close. But suddenly he started drifting apart again. I don’t know why. He stopped taking my calls. Then, after four years, I met him yesterday. My heart was racing faster than an aeroplane. We had a few drinks. And then we went to our respective homes. I can’t stop thinking about him now.
My problem ye nahi hai ki vo mujse pyaar karta hai ya nahi (my problem is not whether he loves me or not), the problem is that he is a man. If he was a girl, I wouldn’t have allowed our relationship to break.
Ab problem ye hai ki (the problem is that) I don’t have it in me to tell him that I love him even after everything.
The question for you, RainbowMan, is that should I tell him that I still love him? Also, could you tell me why he left me? What was the reason behind it? Did he still love me?
Does he feel scared because I am a man and not a woman? Eagerly waiting for your reply.
Dear Worried Boy,
Thank you for writing in and sharing so openly with me. I had to truncate your long question, and my response is going to be much shorter, apologies in advance.
Love is perfect when love speaks to each other. Love doesn’t breed in silence.
In any relationship communication is key. The more strongly one articulates ones deepest desires and feelings, the more clear things get. I cannot tell you whether he loves you or not. Only he can.
I know that social acceptance makes it easier for men to have relationships with women, as compared to men with men – but I know of several gay men in long lasting strong relationships. I also know of several straight friends who have had very short termed relationships.
In the end, it all depends on the people in the relationship. Love can fight all prejudices. Love can win all hearts.
Speak to the one you love. Ask him what he feels. Speak to him. Understand from him. Get him to open up by opening up your heart and mind to him.
Speak to him. Tell him how you feel.
P.S. Let’s choose to ask bravely rather than keep guessing.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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