Sexolve 147: ‘My Partner is Bored Because I’m Not Good in Bed’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘Can You Find Me a Girlfriend?’
I have been alone for major part of my life and badly need some good company of the opposite sex. I desperately seek someone to talk with, to go on a ride with, someone with whom I can spend some quality evening time. I am single and not secure enough financially to buy a house for myself, but I seriously don't want to spend my youth in loneliness. I seriously need a caring and lovely girl.
Hope you can help.
If any girl needs a similar kind of company of a man, I will be happy if you can set me up with her.
In anticipation of a response,
Dear Single Guy,
I know how difficult loneliness can be. Sometimes we all feel the need for that one special person to speak to, and more importantly, to hold on to even when everything else falls apart. How I wish, love and affairs could be planned or custom-made like that. The truth is that it takes several years of understanding and interactions for love to grow in people’s hearts.
One shouldn’t definitely get into relationships without much thought. I know sometimes for some people being single may seem like the toughest thing on planet earth. While for some others it’s an experience that tells them that getting into a relationship, casual or serious, with the wrong person, was the biggest mistake of their life.
I know finding your kind of person may take a lot of time. And what can we do except wait patiently?
I would suggest you engage in your extra-curricular activities, watch films, go pubbing, engage in your favourite sport and do everything you love doing.
Some of them could be women too. Seriously, I wouldn’t resist a date with a very happy cheerful gay man who is full of hope and promise. I am sure it is the same with all genders.
P.S. “Setting you up” ? Well, I am very very single too. You set me up first with someone.
‘I Think My Wife Is Cheating on Me’
What do I do if I find my wife is cheating on me? She talks to a guy on WhatsApp. I had seen few messages which could be branded obscene or vulgar. When I confronted her she said that the person she was chatting with is a very good friend of her’s and that is the way he talks. I trusted her. However, recently one of her friends told me that she saw my wife leaving her office with the same guy in his car. I again confronted her she clearly denied being in the car with him. I am depressed and want to end my life. I love her deeply. We were in a relationship for 12 years and now it's been 6 months to our marriage.
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you for pouring your heart to me. I understand that this would have taken you some amount of incredible courage. It always takes effort to articulate our pain in words.
Love, if was a thing, would be extremely precarious. We need to take it seriously and care for it and guard it from all sorts of evils like hate, jealousy and possessiveness. Also, a love-relationship is a commitment or an agreement between lovers. I gather from your email that you had agreed on an absolutely exclusive relationship.
I am certain that some of us feel a fair amount of anger or jealousy when we see our loved ones with someone else. However, are we sure that it is an affair? Does our loved one simply hide things from us because they do not want it to start a series of questions and doubts – one after the other.
Your wife’s friend or your friend, or things that you read from your own eyes could all be just a perception. I am not refuting your doubts, I am not telling you that what you think is incorrect – I am simply saying that there is a possibility that what she is saying is actually true. Her male friend in office is simply her male friend and not her boyfriend.
I read somewhere in my childhood, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it does not, it never was”.
I can read that you are on the brink of losing all hope in life. I urge you to do a small exercise – for yourself, for her, and for your relationship. Since this is about your true love and care for her, I am not just hopeful, but certain that you will do this - do not read her messages. Don’t get angry with her. Do not question her choice of friends and do not judge her friends or her on the basis of the gender of her friends or the nature of their conversation.
I know you can and you will sail through this. You just need some belief and a lot of understanding.
Maybe he really is her friend and nothing more? Do you think it would be nice to give her the gift of trust?
P.S. Things will get better. Just keep believing in the good in people.
‘My Partner Is Bored Because I Am Not Good in Bed’
My partner is always bored and mad at me just because I'm not good in bed. Can it be because I'm a virgin? And if yes what do I need to do?
Dear Curious Virgin,
Why do we always need to assume that the only function of our bodies is to provide pleasure for others? You said your partner is mad at you just because you are not good in bed?
I would ask you the question – this is not just about your partner, it is about you too - do you feel good in bed? Do you enjoy sex with your partner? Do you feel that sex is pleasurable? This relationship is as much about you as it is about your partner. Do not put yourself in any self-doubt regarding your ability to provide pleasure to others.
If your partner would get angry because you are a virgin or would insist on penetrative sex, maybe you should tell him exactly what you feel about it.
Don’t we all want to be in a relationship where we are respected not just in life, but also in bed?
P.S. Respect is the most sexy thing ever.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)