Sexolve 126: ‘My Boyfriend Only Wants Me for Sex’

Love should be such – Undying, provided, respect is still alive, writes Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘Our 16-Year-Old Daughter Doesn’t Like Our Company Anymore’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have lived in a small city all my life. We have had a simple upbringing. We have known only to work and come home and raise children to be better human beings. For entertainment, we go with our family to watch a film or to an outing. We take pleasure in these joys and these routines. I am a 48 year old mother now. My child is going to be 16. Soon she will be on her own. We monitor the television she watches and also know all her friends. We have been been a little lenient with her outings with friends. She has watched a couple of films in the past year with her friends alone. We give her all the joy she wants in life. We buy her everything that she wants, take her everywhere she wants to go and fill her life with all of life joys that we can. However, she seems to be putting up a tough fight these days. She is turning into a rebel kind of a thing. She wants to go alone to places. She wants more out time. She doesn’t like my company anymore and tells us “mumma-dadda, could you please leave me alone, I want to be alone”.

Are we slowly losing her? Is she influenced by films? Should we stop her from watching films? Or is she a lesbian? Or going through some sort of a conflict that she wants to hide from us? Is there something wrong with her? I am having all these thoughts. I am okay with everything, so is her father. We are progressive parents and can understand complexities of sexualities and gender. We just don’t want her to get into bad influence. How do I help her?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

Thank you for writing to me and for giving me context to your life’s journey till now. More often than not, being from humble backgrounds truly keeps us humble when life gives us wings.

I like the fact that you are truly committed in your intention to give your child a balanced upbringing with the right values. It is commendable that you have your child’s welfare in mind when you think about planning your child’s everydayness. I want you to know that I truly appreciate your concern.

Sometimes though, we need to also lighten up a little. Sometimes, we should know that life is not a rule book or a time table. And not every rule can be derived from past experiences. Every generation has a new way of looking at things, the task is to keep with the new and not lose the wisdom of the old.

The young demands that we lighten up from the shackles of rules, the old wishes that we live in the confines of the boundaries that are safe, the old is not wrong in protecting, the young is similarly not wrong in wanting to stretch their wings.

It is good to let ourselves lose sometimes. Your intentions may be pure and wise, but it may be worthwhile to seek your child’s advice too. After all, it is her life, and she will have to live it herself. I would suggest to parents that they don’t protect their child so much that they is scared of taking risks.

Loosen up a little. Your child is a teenager. Soon she will be an adult.

I know kids will be kids always for parents, but the umbilical cord was cut at birth. They breathe and think independently.

Parents should create an enabling environment and watch over, but we need to allow them their privacy and their space to develop their own desires the way they wish to.

I am glad that you are well informed about homosexuality and will be accepting of your child if she ever says that she is a lesbian. Your job should end with educating your daughter about sex and gender and sexuality and that all forms are natural and worthy of love and respect. Don’t delve more into it after that.

She will discover what she has to discover, it is a personal journey. It is happening in her mind and her body.

As parents lets not go too far with our empathy. Let us give our kids their space and time to realise who they are and be the best versions of themselves at that.

I agree with your daughter. Build your trust enough to realise that she will not lie to you or hide anything critical with you. However, if I was in your place, I would leave her alone with the freedom to fall and with the trust that she will rise.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

P.S. Things will get better. Have faith.

‘My Boyfriend Only Wants Me for Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have always wanted to tell you about something. I am saying this with a lot of anger within me. I have been always treated like some sort of a sex object by my boyfriend. We have been in a relationship with each other for the past 19 months and we have been living together only for the past 7 months. While to the world our love story seems to be one where we both are looked up to, the truth of the matter is quite different from what is seen. I am fed up of his sexual meanderings. I am fed up with him. However, he and I are the model couple that people look up to. I don’t know if I am with him because we are popular or I am with him because I love him. I have no idea how to take this forward.

Miss Stuck With Mister

Dear Miss Stuck With Mister,

I understand that love affairs are never easy. I could beat around the bushes and go round and round or tell you what i feel without minsing words. I am choosing the latter. So here it is – the bitter pill. Affairs where there is no mutual respect is best terminated. Look for the signs of disinterest and disengagement, and if it doesn’t resolve after warnings, pack your bags and leave.

Remember, it is not how many months you spend with your boyfriend that you spend that matters, It is how much of genuine love was shared in those months that matters.

You could be the most model couple to the world, but you need no world to validate or necessitate your presence in a relationship.

I have been in a relationship with someone for just two months. But those two months were of genuine love, understanding and mutual respect. We parted and I still have the same respect for him. Love should be such – Undying, provided, respect is still alive.

Remember darling, it is never too early to stay together, and it is never to early to leave. When love stays, stay. When love leaves, open the door for it.

Also, you had good moments with your partner? Remember those good days. Never curse your decision of loving him. You were never wrong.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

P.S. Love, you will find love.

‘Even If I Have a Child, I Will Not Be Able to Protect the Child’

Dear RainbowMan,

I was trying to get pregnant for quite some time, but then one day, I saw your episode of Satyamev Jayate on Child Sexual Abuse and realised that even if I have a child, I will not be able to protect the child. I hated Aamir Khan for making that episode. Fear psychosis had set in, I guess. My husband tried pursuing me to have a child, he didn’t succeed for many years, but now just as I was in a mood to give pregnancy a chance, the #MeToo movement started. Maybe I should not have a child at all?

Scared Lady

Dear Scared Lady

Thank you for sharing your fears with me . The Satyamev Jayate episode on child sexual abuse has impacted many people across the world. I am glad that we could create that impact.

Spreading paranoia about child sexual abuse was not the intention of anyone, least of all, Aamir Khan. Aamir is a kinder human than an actor. His intentions were always to spread awareness and kindness and he stayed away from sensationalism and gave the issue the time and space it required.

Now coming to your question, yes, if you walk you may fall, but do you not walk at all in the fear of falling? Yes, children are vulnerable. But it is in the hands of parents to equip their children with the power to say NO.

Vulnerability is a strength. That’s why , I believe, kids are very powerful.

I suggest that you visit a mental health professional and seek therapy for anxiety. Do not worry about what your husband wants. You decide to get pregnant when you want to get pregnant. To get a child in the world, is a responsibility and not a one mark fill-in-the-blanks exercise. So let your husband say whatever he wants, I want you to put your wants on the forefront.

There is therapy for the sinking feeling. Do not remember to call on one.

Good Luck.

RainbowMan

P.S. Love yourself.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)