Sexolve 94: ‘I Had Sex With a Woman, Am I Straight or Bi?’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s weekly column on sex and relationships on FIT.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Have a Cyst in One of My Testicles’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old man from Bombay. I have just one testicle. I have been involved in strenuous workouts for the past three years or so. Every time, during workout, I ensure I wear a supporter to keep my testes from falling apart. However, for the past few days, I have noticed my balls growing. When I felt my balls with my hands, I felt some sort of a “lumpy feeling”. I wonder what this is? Do testicles have muscles.

Having A Ball

Dear Having A Ball,

Thank you for being proactive in examining your testicles and understanding that there could be some trouble. You need to get examined by a doctor to weed out the possibility of any disease. Anything “lumpy” deserves the attention of the doctor and an immediate one. Please don’t delay. You should ask the doctor who physically examines you, and no one else about the correlation between workouts and the lumpy feeling. There could be some relation, or none at all. Any advice without physical examination is ill-advised. And this should only be done with a medical professional.

To answer your second question, I have heard that the scrotal sack has muscles that allow the movement of the testicles. I would however, ask you to ask these questions from your doctor once again. When you have a medical professional, why ask anyone else at all. Hai na?

To the best of my knowledge, one testicle should also suffice.

Have a ball of a time,
RainbowMan

P.S. Doctor’s appointment. Put that in your to-do list.

I Liked Sex With a Woman, Am I Straight or Bi?

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32-year-old gay man. Well, I was sure about the gay part until a few days ago. Let me explain. Last Wednesday, we had an office party. A lot of my colleagues were there. However, there was this one girl who was completely sloshed and hitting on me. I told her that I am gay, and she didn’t seem to think that it was a signal for her to stop. She went on and on and soon within 30 minutes or so, she was all over me.

I also gave in a little by trying to caress her breasts in the most careful manner. It was more of an exploration for me, because ever since I have been aware of sexuality, I have known that I am gay. I feel awkward about what happened after that. She and I headed to her home. We cuddled till dawn. In the middle of the night, she reached out to my crotch and performed oral sex on me. Not only did I not object, but I also gave in and enjoyed having sex with her. The problem is that I am in a committed relationship with another man. I have been honest about all my feelings with him.

Never has the thought of sex with a woman crossed my mind, even in my wildest fantasies. I wonder why it happened now. I wonder how my boyfriend would take this. I wonder what I should do. I am scared of losing my relationship. I am scared of the reaction of losing my goldstar status when I am in a relationship. I am such a cheat.

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

I understand the situation you are in now, even if I cannot feel exactly what you must be feeling. Your anxiety is valid. I acknowledge that. Here are a few things though.

Let one episode of straying not make you question your sexuality. Sometimes people have bodily responses to touch, which may not be related to sexuality. Like, someone touching you sexually, may cause an erection in you, but you may not exactly be heterosexual because of that. Even if it happens that you go further, it may not mean that you should define yourself as heterosexual or bi.

That said, sexuality is more complicated. It may not be a constant. It could be a variable. It can only be defined by the person themselves and not by the world around or by any counsellor or psychiatrist.

Also, it is important to differentiate human behaviour and the sexuality of a person. They two can again be very different and distinct beings inside a person’s body. Not all behaviour is an index of sexuality.

Now coming to your boyfriend. I understand that you are in a committed relationship with your partner. The definition of “commitment” varies from person to person. You could be committed to having sex only with each other, you could be committed to loving each other despite other flings,

You might be committed to having sex only with certain kind of people apart from each other and other possibilities, please think about what’s your definition of commitment.

Also, every relationship should be scrutinised and recalibrated after a period of time. Maybe this is the time. Mistakes do happen in every relationship. Sometimes we come out of the boundaries that were defined. We need to acknowledge and move on.

I hope your partner has the heart to listen to you, get mad at you, but still think of you as home he would love to come back to.

Remember, in relationships, mistakes are inevitable, but so is love.

Just remember to not take his love for granted. Just remember to work hard to respect the scope of the relationship you have etched together and not go further. And remember to not test his patience. He is human. He may get worn-off.

Take care.
Okay?
RainbowMan

P.S. Repeat after me. I will listen to boundaries that we define for our relationship. Repeat three times.

‘My Kinky Boyfriend Demands I Wear Lingerie Every Time During Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a kinky boyfriend who wants me to wear sexy lingerie every time we have sex. I am not happy with it. He gets upset when I tell him no. What should I do?

Sweety

Dear Sweety,

A relationship has to be an act of symbiosis, where both of you will listen to each other and respect each other’s opinion. It should never be otherwise. You need to learn to say a stern no to him and ensure that you don’t give in. Remember this mantra - no sex without respect.

This is your body, Sweety, you and only you can have the right to decide what you wear and how you would like to be loved or made love to. If he loves you, he will understand.

Good luck,
RainbowMan

P.S. Love minus respect is just hate. Yaad rakh!

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(We at FIT are running a campaign to increase awareness about fertility. Get your queries on fertility answered by top specialists. Write to us at [e-mail] or click here.)