Sexolve 170 : ‘I Had Sex with Another Man When I Was Pregnant’
“Sometimes empathy goes a long way in sexual satisfaction,” writes Harish Iyer.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
I’m ‘Small’ and I Cum Really Fast. Am I Gay?
I am a 21-year-old man from North India. I am still a student. I have a small sex problem.
My penis is as small as a child’s.
Even when I am excited, it only is 5.5 inches, in fact even when I masturbate it would stand only for 5.5 inches and last for only one or two minutes.
Do let me know sir, am I gay? And sir, should I tell this to my parents? Should I get married at all? Because I don’t want to trouble my wife and spoil her life, sir, I trust you would help me find a solution. Please give me a solution to this problem. I will wait for your response with bated breath.
Thanking you in advance.
Dear Small Problem,
Thank you so much for writing in. I understand that sometimes we spend our lives comparing our vital sexual organs with others and imagine that our organs are small. Let me first put your worries to rest by assuring you that 5.5 inches is not as small as you would imagine it to be.
Your penile length or how long you take to orgasm is not an indicator of your sexuality. I mean, it is not that people who have smaller penises and quicker climaxes are gay. That’s a false theory.
I know of gay men who are small and big, tall and short, last long and orgasm quickly. I know of gay men of all kinds.
Your sexuality, if you wish to define it, is on the basis of the gender of the person you are attracted to – asexual, homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual or any other sexuality in the spectrum. I repeat this has got to do with your innate attractions, again, I repeat, this has nothing to do with your penile length or sexual durability.
Do give yourself time to understand who you feel truly attracted to. If you feel you are gay, then we will tackle the step of coming out then. As of now, relax and don’t think of marriage and other things, you are just 21. Go to college, have fun, have crushes, explore. Don’t think of serious things as of now. Give it time.
P.S. Enjoy your youth when you are still in youth. You will not get this time back.
My Wife Has a Dry Vagina, What Should I Do?
I am in a problem for the last six years. I am 64 years old and my wife is 62. She had her menopause at the age of about 46. We both have enjoyed a good sex life and are still active. But for the last six years, she has developed a dryness in her vagina. She takes part in all sexual activities with me but does not allow me to penetrate her. She says she has a lot of pain if I enter even an inch. She then tries to satisfy me by other means like oral sex etc.
But I do not get full satisfaction unless I penetrate fully and give thrusts. I have tried lubrication but it did not help. I do not know whether her resistance is physical or psychological or is it a psychological problem with me that I am not satisfied unless I penetrate fully and discharge inside?
I am not satisfied for the last six years. This also gives me unnecessary sexual thoughts and I remain restless. A good session with full penetration gives mental and physical relaxation, which I am not getting.
At this age, she is not ready to go to a doctor for such a problem.
An Old Man
Dear Old Man,
Thank you for writing in. I am glad that you don’t allow age to be a barrier when it comes to expressions of love. Making love is an expression of love and that’s how I wish each one of us viewed it.
At the outset, let me also share with you that I am not a sexologist, do seek advice from a qualified doctor on issues regarding vaginal dryness and other issues.
We all have different ways to fantasise. Or fantasies are as varied as two waves in the ocean, however, when there is a couple having sex, the satisfaction should be seen from both the partners.
You have written about what you like in sex and how your wife tries to satisfy you. Can I ask you instead… have you wondered what makes her orgasm? Did you try asking her that? I suggest that you try seeing things from her pleasure points and her sexual satisfaction.
Sometimes empathy goes a long way in sexual satisfaction. Sometimes understanding what our partner wants may lead to a satisfying sexual relationship.
I suggest you try the part of empathy and every time you feel like asking “Why am I not satisfied by this sexual act with my partner?” ask yourself instead “How can I better understand and satisfy my partner’s sexual feelings?”
Do not hesitate to go in for a joint session with a sexologist or her gynecologist if she wishes to. There is no shame in having sex at any age as long as it is with respect and mutual consent.
P.S. Do ask your partner what she likes.
I Had Sex with Another Man When I Was Pregnant
I am a mother of a 29-year-old boy. I am a widow. I lost my husband after one year of marriage when I was pregnant with our first child.
My husband had left a lot of insurance policies that paid our bills and also my son’s education. My husband left us way too early, but he also didn’t leave us poor. Since then, I have taken up a job just to keep myself free.
What I am sharing with you, took me a lot of courage to write. My husband fell very ill after two months of my pregnancy. I used to spend a lot of time with my husband’s best friend. One night when my husband was in the hospital, his friend dropped me home, I was young and frustrated and very upset. His friend comforted me, and one thing led to another and we had sex. I was pregnant with my husband's child at this time.
I cannot possibly give any excuse for this. But I did cheat on my husband. My husband died soon after that, in just a few days. And I drifted apart from his friend.
Today, 29 years later, my son has come out as gay to me, I accepted him but I am asking myself if these two things related? Did sperm from my husband’s friend mix with my husband's sperm to make my son gay? I don’t know, I feel I am responsible for my son turning gay. Can you tell me, please?
Dear Worried Mom,
Congratulations to your son on his coming out and congratulations to you that your son found the courage to accept his truth and confess it to you.
This is no mean feat. Coming out to yourself is an act of courage in itself, coming out to your loved ones, takes it a step further.
You have had a tough life. To lose someone you love at a young age could be devastating. I am so glad that you picked yourself up and have brought up a beautiful son who today has the courage to hold his truth, no matter how different that truth is, close to his heart. Give yourself the credit for that.
You had a moment with your husband’s friend. No one of us is superhuman. We all have these moments when we wish to be comforted or wish to be loved. You were at a vulnerable moment then and you did what your heart told you then.
I urge you to not attach guilt with the sexual encounter with your husband’s friend. Give that moment the divinity it requires. Guilt, according to me, is a feeling that causes more hurt than love.
Live in the present. Plan for the future.
For what you did then, don’t punish yourself now.
Give yourself love, give yourself time. Love the person in your mirror.
Your son is gay because your son is gay. Would you have asked yourself why your son is straight if he was straight? Would you have thought of theories that led to his straightness? Being gay is just like that.
Also, your theory of your son turning out to be gay because you had sex with another man when you were pregnant doesn’t hold any scientific weight. Do not think in that direction.
Please do visit a counselor. Things get better.
P.S. You may need to fix yourself an appointment with a counselor.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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