Sexolve 218: ‘I Am Single and Lonely’
Sexolve is Harish Iyer’s weekly column where he answers your love, sex and relationship queries.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘My Dogs Sleep With Me and My Wife’
My family is a family of dog lovers.
We love dogs a little too much for comfort. We have three dogs. The dogs are our pillows, our leg rests and the third dog is the one we embrace. So there is no place for me and my wife to make love.
I can’t be cruel to my dog. She and I sleep next to each other with at least one dog in between. The problem is that I have lived with my dog forever. They have slept with me forever. I have just got married two years back and it took me one year to actually get my dogs to allow my wife to sleep on the same bed. I don’t want to breach their trust. How do I get my dogs to understand that we humans also need intimacy and want to hug and make love to each other? It is not that I cannot lock my dogs in the other room, but my heart doesn’t allow me to do so. They have been my family before her. And my wife knew exactly what she was getting into when she and I were dating. She loves my dogs too, but certainly, I love my dogs more. It is weird, I know, to read a message like this in your inbox, but I guess you would give me some good sound advice. I spoke to a counselor and she asked me to get rid of my dogs or keep the dogs in the other room, both of which are not viable options. I found it a tad too harsh on the counselor’s side to even suggest something like that. Luckily, both my wife and I are animal lovers so we got rid of the counselor who made this obnoxious suggestion. However, this has led to us not trusting counselors. I hope you are able to think from an animal's point of view too. Do let me know what we should do?
Dear Doggie Man,
Thank you for your love of animals. Pets are family. I relate to you. I understand where you are coming from. For your dog, you are the head of the dog pack.
Humans have been by far the most violent of all animals. From an animal’s point of view, while we have been kind on many occasions, we have been unkind on many more. We have used and abused animals for our clothes, for our entertainment, and many more.
It takes an immense amount of love and affection to have the ability to overcome the fear of humans and to accept us as a part of their pack. So yes, your wish to be kind to them is not a favor, but in many ways a payback. I appreciate your kindness, I appreciate your decency.
In the same vein, your partner, also an animal lover, has made a few changes to her life and her desires to align with your life and your canine children. However, adjustments shouldn’t take the shape of compromise.
It is possible to be a doting pet parent without sacrificing your romantic life with a fellow human.
I firmly think that dogs pick up from their human parents. They stretch their privileges as much as the human parents allow them to stretch. While your intentions of allowing your dogs to call your bed their own was a noble one, sometimes we need to respect that they are dogs and they have their own identity. We shouldn’t try to humanize them so much that they start assuming that they are humans.
You have given them a bed to call their own. Can you build another bed that you call your own? A bed where you and your wife can sleep but is out of bounds for your dogs?
If you can’t change the habits that you have cultivated for them, can you build new habits that can give space to both your dogs and your wife? In your head, don’t think of this as limiting your dogs, look at this as giving your dogs their independent space to sleep and giving yourself and your partner independent space to sleep as well. In the beginning, you can sleep with your dogs and gradually make the shift from their bed to your shared space with your wife.
Please take the assistance of a good canine behaviorist. Find someone who can let your dogs know that you are not abandoning them or being unkind to them if you are giving them their space. This will take effort and a little flexibility from you. You would have to understand that co-existence is possible with a few small modifications.
Also, the positive effects of humans being adopted by dogs and cats are well documented in science and psychology. A simple google search will help you find so many resources. I know of several counselors who are animal lovers too. It will be wise to not generalize all counselors on the basis of a few bad experiences. Don’t hesitate to visit a counselor.
The one, who has been touched by the love of a pet, is truly blessed.
P.S. Give them their space, make yours too.
‘My Girlfriend is Refusing to Give me a Blowjob'
(Trigger Warning: This question could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Dear RainbowMan,I am 26 years old and have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. We have been intensely in love with each other.
We have made out many times and many times we have gone all the way. I like it when she licks licks my penis. I have been fascinated with the idea of coming inside her mouth. It’s been something that has fascinated me and arouses me even when I write this to you. I approached her with the idea and she allowed me to come inside her mouth once. However, I feel like doing it again and again. She refuses. She keeps telling me that she doesn’t like the taste. I told her to spit out if she doesn’t like it, but she still insists that she doesn’t like doing it. This infuriated me so much. One day when she was giving me a blow job I just came inside her mouth without warning. She stopped giving me a blowjob ever since. Last week, I told her that I will break up with her if she doesn’t give me a blow job so she gave me one hesitatingly. However, this is affecting our relationship totally in a bad way. Why can’t she love me completely? I am not forcing her as other men do; I am waiting for her response… Is she taking advantage of my kindness?
Firstly, you both are adults and you both are different individuals with thinking minds of their own. you both could have common desires and likings but you both may have desires and kinks that may not match with each other. The sooner you accept that it will be better for you.
Listen, you don’t own her. She has the right to refuse.
Focus on your common desires instead. Speak to her about your desires and seek her consent for everything, but also understand that a no is a no.
I am glad that you are not “forcing her as other men do”, but do you need a badge of honor for that? Do you seek appreciation for just not being – a rapist?
Also, learn to respect boundaries. If she has expressed her displeasure on a certain sexual act, be decent enough to not engage in that. Orgasming in her mouth without her consent is not something you can expect her to appreciate.
Why do you think that someone who refuses to have you ejaculate inside her mouth is not “loving you completely”. Is complete love only when your partner accepts everything that you tell her?
You desire true love, but you will get true love only when you are willing to accept your partner’s willingness and unwillingness, her desires, and her apprehensions and her likes and her dislikes.
She is human. Not your remote-controlled robot.
P.S. Respect is key.
‘I Am Single and Lonely’
I am a hetero woman who is looking for a good match. I am 34 and lonely. How can I find someone kind and nice at this age? Should I try matrimonial advertising or Sima Taparia types? I need someone to love me.
Dear Badi Beti,
Age is just a number. One can get hitched at 40 or 60 or 80 or even as young 21. One just has to be open to the idea of getting into a bond of companionship. Please pursue your heart's wants and open your mind to the possibility of love. It may take time and effort, but you need to tell yourself that you are open to love.
I cannot tell you if you should go dating on dating apps or matrimonial advertising or find a personal matchmaker. Do what you feel is right.
Just open your mind to the possibility that you would find love.
Do not hesitate to visit a mental health professional if you find yourself in a situation where you feel extremely stressed because of loneliness.
My counsellor tells me that I need to be there for myself more than to find others who love me. There is no ‘one advice fits all’. I would be glad to hear what your counsellor tells you.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children, and animals.)
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