Sexolve 219: ‘My Boyfriend Loves Another Guy’
Sexolve is Harish Iyer’s weekly column where he answers your love, sex and relationship queries.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘I Masturbate By Listening to Couples Have Sex’
I am a young woman. I have learned about everything regarding sex and porn but the thing is it was on accident because I didn’t know what porn was, so I looked it up...now it’s been years since I knew all that.
When I’m bored I like to masturbate but even when I do, I don’t really feel that aroused. It doesn’t really feel good, if you get what I mean it feels like “whatever” nothing.
But when I use my vibrator it feels good and I can cum but still masturbation can’t even make me cum. I really want to know why. And the hard part is that I’m of a certain faith that prohibits it, so it feels wrong. I don’t know if I even am allowed but even still is this wrong?
And question two-how can I fix this problem? And really sorry but last question....How come pictures of boys don’t even look hot at all like I don’t think anyone is cute or hot at all they are all just normal you know like I don’t know. ...I’ve tried looking while masturbating but seeing that men don’t face me that’s a problem can you help me?
I really love my vibrator but I really want to be able masturbate to feel good. I don’t want my parents to know I like to masturbate and stuff and also that I have a vibrator...but what should i do? And I’m not lesbian either but it turns me on...what I mean is my room is sort of next door to my parents so at night I hear a lot of their sex sounds....and well I am not lesbian it’s just well that I imagine that was me...and I just get really horny...and side not...I’m literally lol doing that right now because they are having some sex right now.. is it wrong to intentionally listen? Man the funny thing is that...I hear her screaming loud f@ck you and she doesn’t swear ever. Man if you want details on my deepest desires or wants/fantasy’s then send me a message please because...well I’ll gladly share..... thanks!
Young Curious Woman
Dear Young Curious Woman,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart’s innermost desires. You are completely entitled to follow your faith and the principles it propagates. I am sure every faith has some very good lessons and wisdom to offer. As long as we use those lessons for bringing out the best in us and others, it is a good thing. Across faiths, sometimes, it is human to interpret scriptures to our convenience and inconvenience, one needs to be mindful of that. I can speak about science.
People masturbate when they are excited. It is a natural way, although an obsession with anything is not healthy.
One needs to be careful about using any foreign object inside our bodies. We need to ensure that it doesnt have sharp edges, it is sterilised and that it is generally safe in all aspects. The same goes with vibrators.
It is natural that you feel excited when you get to hear the sound of excited women when they are making out. It is natural to fantasise about sex while growing up. This is a part of growing up. That said, it is important to respect the intimate space that couples enjoy. Give them the privacy.
Put your headphones on, and listen to music or binge listen to a podcast. Drown out the noise outside, and drown in your own independent world.
P.S. Focus on other things too.
‘He Loves Another Guy But I Still Love Him’
I am tired of getting emotionally drained. My boyfriend is in love with another guy. I kind of knew of it right from the beginning. Yet, I fell in love with him. He keeps speaking about that guy all the time.
His lover is my friend too. But this is too much. I cannot bear this challenge he puts me up for everytime. Everytime, I see him speaking to his lover, it kills me. His lover has gone to USA and he is stuck there. He shows no signs of coming back at least in the present scene. I am here with him. He sporadically shows love towards me. He also tells me that he loves me. We have a lot of sex. His boyfriend knows we are having sex. However, this is very complicated.
I fear I will lose my entire 20s in love with him, and he will not love me back. I am frustrated. I don’t want to tell anyone because they will all advice me to leave him. I cannot leave him. I love him. Please help me. Please make him magically to love me. Please don’t ask me to leave him. I am fed up with people suggesting that I leave him. Please.
A Little Prayer
Dear A Little Prayer,
Hugs. Thank you for writing in to me. One can only fathom, how challenging it would be to nurse a broken heart. I am not somebody who is going to ask you to leave your loved one. You and you alone know how much he means to you. The feeling is special and unique. I can only tell you what I see and how I feel you could better your situation. Love is beautiful when it is reciprocal and it can get painful when it is not respected, reciprocated, or understood.
I cannot say, I know exactly how you feel, for every feeling is unique. I can definitely say though that things get better when we start respecting the person we see in the mirror.
The relation, as it seems, is open from your loved one’s end, where he has the liberty to double date you and the guy in America at the same time. It is not open from your end. This equation is unequal. Did you ever consider meeting other men to see if you would like to consider going out on a heart to heart chat with them? I am not asking you to stop loving the person you love or get into more relationships, I want you to meet new people.
When we rise in love, we leave behind many crucial relationships that include several friends. We forget that we need our own circle of safety net that we can rely on when we are hurt. We sometimes tend to put a big lock on our hearts when we are madly in love with someone. The key is only with you. Open up. Open up your heart to more people. I am not asking you to get into a relationship with them, love your friends, love your collegues, love people from your family. Sometimes, when we feel immense love for one person we let the person think that he is irreplaceable. Maybe, just maybe, spreading the love you have in your heart to more people will help you find emotional stability and help our lovers understand that they need to value us.
I really wish to see you migrate from being anxious to being secure. This cannot be completely dependent on how your loved one treats you. You would need to work on yourself independent of him. If this is the life you choose, you should be at complete ease with this.
I would strongly recommend that you meet a counsellor who can help you navigate and be happier. Our feelings tend to get intense when we are in love. On many occasions, love defies logic. All relationships have expectations.
It is possible to love someone without expecting the same amount of love from the person, for truly, true love cannot be quantified.
One just has to work on themselves so that they feel better in any relationship that they are in. more often than not, the way we treat ourselves, determines how others treat us.
P.S. To love, is never wrong.
‘If My Boyfriend’s Penis Gets Darker, I Will Leave Him’
I am a 25-year-old woman who is sexually active from the past 4 years. I have been in a steady relationship ever since. We have made love in the darkness of the night in our hostels and we had never really seen each other in the light until recently.
4 years back he had sent me a nude picture of his, his penis was milk-white. Now it is getting darker and darker by the day. It almost looks like the more he ages the colour will turn darker.
I haven’t approached him with this, but is the dark colour because we have too much sex? Will my vagina also turn dark in colour? Please tell me. I can't be with someone who has such a dark penis. Will that matter? Is it wrong to have such fantasies and make decisions as an independent woman?
Dear Fair Fantasies,
History reveals that women have been subjugated for centuries. Given this history, it is revolutionary for a woman to stand for her desires and fantasies. There is nothing wrong in having a desire. As society, the way we look at men and the way we look at other genders is very different. But universally, I believe, gender irrespective, the colour of a body organ shouldn’t be a barometer of the relationship.
Maybe it is time to evaluate what are you in this relationship for. Maybe you need to check what you expect from this relationship and what do you give to this relationship.
If your partner has much to offer to you, maybe, you can overlook the colour of his penis.
Give it time. Evaluate. Things could get better.
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