Sexolve 259: “Sex Has Become a Not so Regular Affair.”
In his weekly column, Harish Iyer offers advice on your love, sex and relationship queries.
Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'Sex Has Become A Not So Regular Affair.'
I am a 28 year old woman in an affair with another woman since the past 4 years.
My partner is 10 years older. We both are much in love with each other.
However, I think off late, this is dwindling. She has not been making love to me or responding to my calls to make love to her.
I don’t like to force myself on her every time. She is a loving person. She is the love of my life. I don’t think she has an affair anywhere.
But this whole thing of she not talking to me is killing me. I don’t know. I really don’t want to know. I feel profound sadness sometimes. I feel so bad. What should I do?
Thank you so much for writing in. Congratulations on having someone beside you who you could call a partner.
Love takes us through different routes, and not all routes are easy.
Sometimes, we need to have the difficult conversations that we were regularly running away from.
What are some ways to have a difficult conversation with your partner?
Ask her what she wants. Ask her what she desires from a sexuality point of view. How does she view the relationship?
Check what you both could do together—something you both enjoy. Break monotony, bring in variety.
Familiarity breeds laziness. Maybe, that’s what's happening.
Also, do not hesitate to visit a queer affirmative counsellor who can assist you and your partner with your relationship challenges. Do not delay speaking to one.
P.S. Things get better.
'My Mother Is Having an Affair With Our Neighbour.'
My mother has been a single mom since many years now. My mom and dad divorced 10 years ago.
I am a 28 year old Man. I am in an age where I am beginning to get sexually active with my girlfriend.
And here I am at home, watching my mother eyeing another guy. In fact, they were not just eyeing, they were caught in the bed by me when I came home early.
The man in question lives in our neighbourhood. When I asked my mother she said that she just felt the need to have her feelings met and she decided to give in to her emotions.
When I asked her if she loves the man, and if he is going to be my father, she said that she didn’t love him or anything close to that, it was just an affair.
I got really angry. Anyone would.
Why would my mother have an affair at that age. This is my age to get on to the bed and she should be preparing for grand children and stuff like that.
She is instead worrying about having an affair with some other person.
I am really ashamed. I don’t know what to do? This is difficult for me. Am I wrong? Am I right? I don’t know. But this isn’t normal.
Dear Son Down,
Thank you for writing in. This is personal for you. I thank you for being vulnerable with me and telling me what you really feel. And whatever you feelings are—they are valid. I hear you.
Not all people you have sex with, you actually fall in love with. Not all people you love, you can make love to.
This is true in many cases, so the fact that your mother doesn’t love this man, is basic to how humans react. She is not wrong to make love to anybody.
One could feel the need to make love at any age. And sometimes it is all the feeling of physical intimacy that people desire, they don’t need to experience love with the person.
I wish to share that your mother has her own identity, beyond being your mother.
In that identity, she feels sexual desires. If she feels like having sex with someone, she doesn’t need to stick to worldly norms.
Though it may seem weird at times, parents need to understand that children could have sex, and children need to accept that parents of all ages can have sex.
I will not weigh your feelings in the scale of right and wrong. You could feel many emotions, and all emotions are valid and real.
I know sometimes it may be difficult to accept. Especially if you saw your mother with another man in a compromising position.
But seriously speaking, it should not be difficult to understand that your mother has bodily needs too. Allow her to be who she is. Let her never feel guilty for standing up for herself.
Her desires are not unusual. Just as your desires are not unusual.
Visit a counsellor and discuss your anxiety regarding this. Eventually you will accept your mother as she is.
P.S. Sexual attraction has no age.
'My Penis Smells Foul.'
My penis gives out foul smell. What should I do?
Thank you for writing in.
Your penis needs as much cleaning as the rest of your body.
While having a bath, it helps, if we regularly roll down the glans penis and clean the smegma that’s formed below the sheath.
After regular cleaning if it still exists, please visit a doctor and get it examined.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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