Sexolve 274: 'My Wife Doesn’t Dress to Match My Age'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

My Wife Doesn’t Dress to Match My Age

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a man of 38 years of age. My wife is 19. I fell in love with her when she was 17, but we got physical only after she was of legal age.

Luckily her family agreed to our wedding and told me to not worry about the age. They were progressive. However, there are so many things that are bothering me now. I do not for a moment regret my decision of marrying a girl literally half my age.

I do not. However, when I am out with her everyone thinks that we are uncle and niece if not father and daughter. This bothers me.

I ended up asking my wife to put on weight and dress in old fashioned clothes so that she could look older. She said she loved me but said that she cannot do this for me.

I wonder if she loves me enough or not. I cannot deal with this unwillingness to comply with my needs that she has. I am really upset. What should I do. Guide me?

Lover Man

Dear Lover Man,

Thank you for writing in.

They say age is just a number. I agree with them.

What’s age got to do with love. As long as you are adults and taking a decision for yourself there should be nothing else that you need to bother about.

When you fell in love with your girlfriend, did you bother about “log kyaa kaheinge”. Did you bother about it when you got married? When you didn’t bother about it then, why do you do now?

Yes, people will speak and they will keep speaking. They will call you names, they will talk behind the back. You cannot change them. But you can decide to stand by your partner no matter what.

Your partner is a person with a mind of her own. We all have to ensure that our partners have a voice and a choice in their life. We should not impose our choices on them.

Don’t doubt her love just because she is not a doll who dances to your tunes and desires. Empower yourself with the humanity and empathy to respect people around you. Especially people who you love.

Love is something that should set you free, not cage your very core.

Things will get better. Just prioritise your love and their choices beyond what people say.

Regards RainbowMan

P.S. Kuch toh log kaheinge, logon ka kaam hai kehna

I Beat My Wife Because She Kept Asking Me for the Reason for Not Having Sex

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 72 year old gay man. I realized I am gay when I was 50. I denied it myself because I thought I cant realise it so late.

I was married till then and then I broke up with my wife in an ugly court battle. I lost the custody of my 2 children as she proved that I whipped her many times.

I kept crying in front of the court and telling that I did it because she was holding me responsible for not having sex with her. I wasn’t having sex with her because I am gay.

Now I want to meet my kids 18 and 21 and my wife doesn’t allow me to. Can you please help ?

Gay Dad

Dear Gay Dad,

I am sorry to hear that you have lost the custody of your children. One can realise their sexuality at whatever age.

There are some who come to terms with their sexuality when they are 10 or 16 and there are some who come to terms with it at 50 or 60.

I am sorry to read that you struggled through your realization of your sexuality. But how does that justify the violence you subjected your partner through? Your partner doesn’t deserve the pain you subjected her through.

Now coming to your custody battle. Well, your children, are adults. They can choose where they want to live. They do not need the permission of their mom anymore to decide to see you or to call you.

Please visit a psychologist to deal with your anxiety and loneliness. Your mental health is your responsibility. You cant be excused for projecting your insecurities on others in the form of violence.

Take care.

RainbowMan

P.S. Visit a psychologist for yourself and for those you love.

I Cannot Shave My Pubes

Dear RainbowMan

My pubes are so large that I can hardly see my vagina. I discussed this with my cousin as I cant with my mother, she said it is not correct to trim the pubes it is blasphemous. What should I do.

Miss XYZ

Dear XYZ,

Heard the trite “Cleanliness is next to godliness.”?

There is piety in hygiene.

Be blessed

RainbowMan