Sexolve 292: 'I'm In Love With a Man From Another Caste'
In this edition of Sexolve, Harish Iyer helps a man communicate with his boyfriend, and helps a woman find love.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
'My Boyfriend Puts Things In My Bum And It Pains a Lot'
I am a 29 year old man, I have faced several issues in my sexuality. I am a bottom boy and my boyfriend always tries to put random things inside my bum. I feel really a lot of pain all the time and I want to tell him no, but he enjoys it and I think that I will lose him if I tell him no, so I end up telling him yes all the time. Last night I bled so badly that I had to put ice to stop my bleeding. My boyfriend helped me with that but later in the morning he again had sex with me that was violent. It pains me it really pains me and I feel too embarrassed to tell this to anybody. I know you will ask me to leave him… I don't want to leave him.. I don't want to tell any of my friends also because if they know that my husband/boyfriend is treating me like this their first response will be to ask me to leave him. I don't want to leave him. I love him. I really really love him. How can you help me? Please tell me. I am depressed and desperate. Please help me. Please
Thank you for writing to me about such a deep secret in your life.
At first, let me address the elephant in the room - I will not ask you to leave your partner. The choice is yours to make. It is your life to live. I have been in love and have loved unconditionally, so I understand when you tell me that you are afraid of people’s opinion against your partner.
When we are in love we want all our family members, relatives, best friends all of them to admire, love and respect our partner. We dont want them to advise us or despise our partner or pressurise us to leave our partner. I will not do any of that.
I will hold the mirror to you though.
Love is a courageous act. I know you love your partner despite and inspite everything. Does he love you too?
If we love each other, we express more in many uninhibited ways. Ask yourself - am I curtailing my expressions and covering up my true emotions when I am with him?
If the answer is yes, maybe it is the time for expressing yourself a little more honestly to him. Tell him exactly that you do not appreciate him penetrating you when you are in pain. Explain to him that only you can decide what goes inside your rectum, not him.
I am not asking you to leave him or confront him, I am asking you to love yourself more.
The kind of love where lovers could lose the autonomy of their own body is a pathway to disaster.
I want you to succeed. I want your love for your partner to be recognised by him. And for that, the first thing you need to do is stand up for yourself.
Please tell him what you like and what you don't. What you desire and what you want.
Tell him that you love him a million times, but also add a line that love without respect is just a lie.
I wish you lots of love and courage for having this conversation with your partner
P.S. Rupture of anus and bleeding could need medical attention, please visit a doctor as well.
‘I Love Someone From Another Caste'
Why do people hate people. I don't know why they do. My father tells me that he is okay with me loving a man of another caste. But when I did love a man from another caste and my family doesn't approve now. They tell me that I shouldn't marry someone who is outside the caste. My father changed his mind. Is this because I am the only daughter of a single parent. People are telling my father that I became like this because I don't have a mother. I feel very disturbed. You can help me with this, you are inspirational. What should I do.
Troubled soul, Mumbai
Dear Troubled Soul,
Thank you for your kind words. I am hardly any inspiration in this case especially, I had put out a casteist matrimonial advertisement myself. I recognise the evils of it now.
Love and lovers are beyond caste, religion, sexuality or gender. The world is slow to learn this fact. They will eventually catch up and accept.
I am sorry to read that your father changed his mind. It is his prerogative to accept or reject an idea. You can't force acceptance on anybody. You can only educate people about the idea that people can be good and bad, happy and sad all at the same time, and this has nothing to do with any caste.
The caste system was created to divide people and to ensure that power rests with a few people. It is an evil that has percolated into our minds and families.
If you are an adult, and your lover is an adult - there is nothing that stops you from loving each other or starting a life together.
Your father is the only one responsible for his ideas. Being a single father can never be an excuse for bigoted attitudes. In fact there shouldn't be any excuse ever.
Please stand up for yourself. Weigh your pros and cons in love. See what you want to do and then proceed further.
P.S. Love is beyond caste.
Why are you sharing unnatural behaviours with other men.
Homosexuality is natural.
MYOB stands for mind your own business.
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