Sexolve 145: ‘Our Sexual Experiment Has Affected Our Relationship’
When we open up the relationship, we cannot partially cling on, writes Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘Our Sexual Experiment Has Affected Our Relationship’
I am a 27-year-old man in a relationship with a 20-year-old. We were extremely happy with each other when we started the relationship. We used to have sex every day. Over time we started experimenting and we used to get men home and have sex with them. In the beginning it was quite a fantasy to observe, but over time our relationship got strained. When all of us men used to have sex, my partner seemed to enjoy it too. However, of late, my partner seems to have turned very, very jealous. There are talks between us about how sex was pleasurable at one point, hinting at the fact that it is not pleasurable now and how one of the other men are rather better in bed. I don’t want this relationship to break. Everything was mutually consented, I wonder why these thoughts are bothering us. I don’t want our relationship to end. Please help us. We cannot survive without each other, I am sure. Still, I am scared.
Dear Troubled Sinner,
I do not know about the gender of your partner. However, that is immaterial. Irrespective of whether it is a homosexual or a heterosexual encounter, I don’t think my response would differ. Firstly, let me begin by thanking you for opening up about your deepest secrets with me. I hope I can share things with you from an unprejudiced moral lens. Before even getting into the attractions part, I would like to request you to ensure that there is consent always and that you use condoms and thus ensure that all parties are safe when in the act.
Now coming to your question, I believe that such decisions are much thought over
When we open up the relationship, we cannot hold on. We cannot partially cling on, when we have decided to set ourselves free.
Did you completely agree to the open relationship? If you did, you should also be aware that these comparisons between your body and another lovers body is inevitable. Your partner may not come and verbalise it to you, but such comparisons are bound to happen. So, I would suggest that you have a word with them when you both are in a very non-sexual mood. In all probability, they may just have found a way to compartmentalise love and sex in two different and distinct boxes and not allow both to intermingle with each other.
Give it time. Discuss with them. Tell them what you are going through mentally.
If love is hurt, love listens, love heals.
PS: True love stands the test of time and lust.
‘Is My Penile Boil an STD?’
I am a 19-year-old sexually active male. I have a boil in my penile area. It doesn’t hurt, but makes my penis look really dirty and smelly at times. Sometimes, there is a sperm-like discharge from it. It doesn’t always hurt, but sometimes it pains too much. Is this something serious? What do I do? Is this an STD? I cannot go to expensive hospitals or tell my mother. Please help me.
Dear Worried Man,
I am not a doctor, I suggest that you quickly rush to a doctor and show them your boil. It could be an STD, or it could just be a boil that hurts you. You would have to dare to walk to a doctor. I suggest that you take the services of a Sex, Skin and VD specialist. If you find it difficult to afford, there are other options available.
Please visit the skin/sex specialist in any government hospital.
Please use a condom every time you have sex and seek and follow doctors’ advice.
PS: Act immediately before anything reaches boiling point.
‘Are My Children Homosexual?’
I am a single woman with two grown up children. My daughter is 26 and my son is 24. I have been brought up in liberal schools of thought and have extended the same thoughts to my son and daughter. I am more a friend to both my kids and they know they can discuss anything and everything with me. I usually do not venture into their private space, but last week I did this nasty thing. I sneaked into my daughter’s bedroom and found a packet of iPill. I was devastated. This would mean that my daughter is actively having sex with someone, however, when I asked my daughter about it, she said it was for a friend of hers. I suspected that my daughter is lesbian, because there is this one female friend of hers who sleeps over every alternating weekend with her in her room. However, when I asked my daughter she laughed. Do lesbians use iPill after sex? Does it help? How do I find out if my daughter is a lesbian?
My second question is about another discovery that I found in my daughter’s room. It was a vibrator. When I questioned my daughter about it, she said that it belonged to my son, her brother. I couldn’t figure why would my son need a vibrator? Do men use vibrators? Is my son gay ? Why would he want to do things in his anal region? Is he passive? I have too many questions. I asked my son and daughter, they both laughed. I wonder what’s funny!
Please help me. My children love that I am progressive, but they also sometimes want me to not interfere. I wonder if I failed anywhere.
Dear Troubled Mom,
Thanks for sharing with me. Parenting is a tough job. I am glad that your daughter and son are good friends with you and you are able to have a proper conversation with them. Children, when they reach a certain age, become friends. That’s how it should be. I am glad that you are on that path. Also, thank you for being a cool mom who is able to imagine that her children have reached an age where they would be having sex… this kind of awareness is rare.
Your children are adults. And as children turn adults, it becomes the responsibility of the parents to understand that they will grow up to be independent beings with their own minds and bodies. We cannot have our umbilical cords attached to them forever.
Your kids will share things with you. However, maybe they need a little space in their lives. I personally have a very progressive mother, and I sometimes find it intimidating that she knows about things that I am imagining before I even spell things out.
Keep some spaces independent of each other. It may not be cool to expect that our children share their sexual life with us. Since you love your daughter, you will also be able to appreciate that she may not always want to discuss how the iPill landed on her bed. Give it time – tell her that she can tell you anytime she wants to share anything – and leave it at that without probing any further. Since your daughter does share things with you, eventually she may share with you more. It could be that the iPill really belonged to her friend. Maybe not. However, it is certain that if she is a lesbian, she will not need iPill during sex.
Regarding your son, the same thing… give him space. There is nothing to fear about even if he tomorrow comes out to you as gay. I am certain that you would accept him with an open mind and with open arms.
You do not need to deduce that your son is gay because you found a vibrator on him, I know of a few straight men who use the vibrator for anal pleasure.
You are worried that your son could be a passive partner in bed? Again, this is very personal. So what if he is gay and passive? Would you love him any less?
Irrespective of how close we are with our children, we need to ensure that there is enough space for them to not feel controlled or stifled.
I am certain that you will give them the much needed space. All you need to tell your son and daughter is to have safe sex.
PS: S P A C E
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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