Sexolve 214: ‘I Am 20 & in Love With My 47-Year-Old Professor’
‘True love is always patient,’ writes Harish Iyer in his weekly column Sexolve.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘I Am 20 & in Love With My 47-Year-Old Professor’
I am a 20-year-old girl in love with a 47-year-old professor.
He teaches me in my college and I developed a crush on him. I sent him a love letter, sort of, whatsapp message. He called me over to his cabin and told me that it was inappropriate and that he could use this against me and throw me out of the college. I started sobbing. He then told me that he can throw me out of college, but he will not tell the dean or anyone, as he didn’t want to spoil my career. He just left me with a warning.
This act of kindness actually made me love him more. I started spending more time in lectures and started doing all the projects on time. To him, I feel, we had put our past behind and moved forward, but in reality, I was falling deeply madly in love with him. It was getting more intense. I asked him if I could help him with project correction of juniors, he consented and told me that he is correcting the assignments at home. I volunteered to go to his house for the same. Seriously speaking, the idea of spending time alone with him was making me really excited.
When we got inside his house, there was no body. He switched on the AC and it was really cold. We started checking assignments and he touched me in the most pleasant way possible on my shoulder, however, he quickly withdrew. I took the lead from there and touched his hand.
One thing led to another and soon we were madly making love, second base, in just around 40 minutes. We didn’t go down below. However, this left me wanting for more. This day, was the last day, we got intimate. He started withdrawing after that. It was almost like we didn’t get intimate before this. It was scary. I am now sulking looking for him.
My friends tell me that he took advantage of me. I don’t think he did. What do you think?
How do I win him back? I thought of him, is thinking also criminal? Did I do anything criminal? Did I do something wrong in falling in love with him – as he is older?
Miss Favourite Student
Dear Favourite Student,
Thank you for sharing something so intimate with me.
At the outset, let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with desiring to be with, make love to, or simply finding someone older attractive. The problem arises only when we translate those desires into actions - there are questions of age, consent and hierarchical position need to be taken into consideration then.
Some of us have grown up crushing on our teachers and sometimes we do know of teachers who crush on their students too. However, until it is in the mind and it doesn’t manifest in the physical form of physical touch or any other form of expression, it would not be deemed unfit from a moral standpoint. Thoughts are not criminal, actions could be.
Let me try and break it down for you.
You expressed your love to him. You are an adult, he is an adult. So, that’s fine. He said it was inappropriate and expressed his displeasure, as you share a student-teacher bond- that’s fine too. He chose to not flare it up and make a scene of it – that’s kind of him. You pursued and fell in love with him – that’s fine too. So, yes, till here the story was pretty good.
The issue started when there was physical intimacy between you’ll. It looks like that made him feel awkward. I wouldn’t want to guess if he took advantage of you because of his position as a professor. From your mail, I gather that he had continuous uninterrupted consent from you.
However, one can be clouded with feelings of fear when they understand that a certain affair could end up spoiling their image or their career. Maybe, he felt good at that moment but repents going too far with his student.
I would suggest that you have a heart to heart conversation with him. To not speak about the issue and be distant is not helping you. Try addressing it with him. However, do respect his stance if he doesn’t want to have this conversation further.
In due course of time, things will get better. Expectations could lead to disappointments. It would be nice to not expect much from this relationship so that whatever kindness you receive from the other side, you will be in a position to accept it.
P.S. Love gets clearer with time.
My Best Friend Took a Digital Detox Suddenly
I am a 27-year-old woman and my best friend is my age. The problem is that she has taken a digital detox from life, so to say, and is not going to be in touch with her phone or laptop for a couple of weeks. She informed me on email that she is taking this break.
She and I are used to conversing practically every day. The day before the digital detox we had a real nasty argument. Is she doing this to keep me away or is this really a digital detox?
Dosti Ki Kasam
Dear Dosti Ki Kasam,
Thank you for writing in. In any relationship, it is important to keep channels of communication on. I am glad that your friend communicated to you on an email that
she is taking a digital break.No one can read minds and find out if this was a retaliation to an argument you had with her, or otherwise. However, I can tell you, that close friends argue. Close friends also sometimes get pissed with each other. People, who are close, dare to ask uncomfortable questions and take conversations to uncomfortable territories.
Brutal honesty is the hallmark of close relationships.
While we cannot decipher the reason for the digital break, one can assume comfortably that this lockdown has taken a toll on all of us. Given the privilege, I would love to go off internet for a month. Guess things will get better in time. Give your friend the space and time to come back with renewed vigour and vitality.
P.S. True friendships stand the test of time.
‘I Am Worried About Painful Sex’
I am a gay man of 28 with a boyfriend of my own age. He and I have not had anal sex though I am a bottom and he is top. We have been in a relationship for 2 years. So this is painful to think too… this reservation may cause rift in our relationship. My boyfriend’s penis is really big on the tip. I am scared that during sex it would tear my ass. What do I do?
Dear Worried Boy,
I know where you are coming from.
Sometimes we take some time to open up about our bodies. True love is always patient.
For the sex aspect, let your need to have anal sex come from the point of your desires, and not your need to fulfil your partner’s desires.
Use lubrication, while saliva is what people tend to use, actual lubricants make things much easier and smooth. Also, methods like self-fingering help prepare yourself for the moment. Please feel free to tell your partner to stop if it gets painful.
Sex is only one aspect of your relationship. Try a lot of foreplay and other methods, if penetrative sex takes time and too much effort.
P.S. Time heals.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children, and animals.)
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