Sexolve 260: ‘My Loneliness Is Triggered During Pride Month’

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

“My Boyfriend Doesn’t Approve of My Profession”

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29 year old woman. I am not in India at the moment, but I am happy with the work I do.

I have been wanting to do some work since many years. I didn’t find a job at all. I then travelled to Amsterdam with my family to live here.

My parents went to India after 5 years, I stayed back.

To look after myself, I ended up working as a high profile escort. I have engaged in sex with my clients and I see nothing wrong with that. It is not illegal here.

However, there is something that’s creating a trouble in my life.

My parents know I am an escort, but they don’t know that I also engage in sex work.

Now, the problem of my life is that I recently met an Indian guy when I was in India for my holidays. He fell in love with me and I did too. We didn’t have sex, but we have fooled around a little bit.

I recently told him about my workplace and what I do. He angrily told me that he didn’t know that he was in love with a commercial sex worker.

He doesn’t talk to me properly and speaks to me, when he does, very insultingly. I don’t like him insulting me all the time.

I don’t like him disrespecting me or my profession. I feel immense grief. I am unable to stop loving him too. What should I do?

Girl-with-a-broken-smile

Dear Girl,

Thank you so much for writing to me. And more thanks for leading by example, by living your life on your terms.

To grieve is normal. To get angry at him is normal. To feel helpless is normal. You will get through this. Just believe that you will.

I am sure that many Indian men may not be very welcoming about your choice of profession. He may have his own insecurities and fears, no matter how unjustified they are, he is entitled to have them. But he has no right to be disrespectful towards you. Disrespect is as bad as betrayal.

If your love is genuine, betrayal is bound to hurt.

I know people have different conflicting opinions about sex work. I have mine too.

And if you want to engage in sex work, you should be allowed to do so without any judgements.

In my opinion—“Sex work” is work. What you do with your body is your business. You shouldn’t be put in a situation where you have to choose between your profession and your love.

This is irrespective of what profession you choose for yourself.

You are a free spirited woman. And I pray that you remain that way. You have your heads firmly on your shoulders and you have a will of your own. Don’t give that up for anybody.

If someone loves you, they will love the whole of you. You will find someone like that, if you want someone like that.

When your heart longs for love, it will find love. Your heart will beat for someone again. And if your boyfriend has to come, he will come back but then, he shouldn’t be using such toxic words for you.

Your boyfriend needs counselling and therapy. However, it is not your duty to find him a counsellor. I wish he gets better. I wish him well.

Who is anyone to tell anybody else what they are supposed to do with their bodies.

One just needs to ascertain that it is not by force and that sex workers of all genders - have a voice and have the power to make a choice.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. No one should have any right to stop you from saying that you are proud of your profession.

'My Loneliness Is Triggered During Pride Month'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 48 year old gay man. I think I will die alone. All these pride things I see. But I feel lonely as I have no body. How to find love?

Luv

Dear Luv,

Thank you for writing to me.

Dear Luv,

Thank you for writing to me.

I know that the fear of loneliness may envelope us sometimes. I can’t say that I know what you are going through, but I do have an inkling. I had these fears too. But then I fell in love, not once, but thrice. And every time I broke up, a part of me was left broken too. It took me several years to reform the severed parts of my heart. The people I fell in love with were wonderful, especially the last two, but seriously, I was lonely even when I was actually in a relationship.

I wish there was an address where we all found love. I hope every address was the address that we found love. Love is strange though, it seems to evade us and when it finds us, it suffocates us.

That’s when I decided that the first love affair is with myself. I love myself more than I love my partners. And if there are no partners, I will still love myself and be content with it.

I am not trying to belittle your pain and I am not telling you to follow me. I am merely sharing an alternate point of view.

Don’t find love to fill in your loneliness. Love because you love.

Please take care of yourself. Do not shy from visiting a counsellor if you feel too traumatized.

Love

RainbowMan

P.S. Life gets better

Dear RainbowMan,

I get pain in my testicles often… is this something serious?

Worried Joe

Dear Joe,

Please visit a doctor for a physical examination. Please don’t delay. I am not in a position to tell you if it is serious or not.

Wishing you the best

RainbowMan

P.S. Please visit NOW!