Sexolve 150: ‘I Had Sex With HIV Positive Person. Do I Have It?’
‘I know that the whole world will judge me now.’
‘I know that the whole world will judge me now.’(Photo: iStock)

Sexolve 150: ‘I Had Sex With HIV Positive Person. Do I Have It?’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I like Having Sex with Older Women’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a heterosexual man. I am 28 years old and live in Mumbai. I have been very very sexually active. I think something is kind of wrong with me because my “type” is aunties in their late 40s. I have gotten lucky with some of my older relatives as well. I have had total sex with one of my crushes who happens to live next door.

We used to have sex regularly, her son and daughter study in boarding and her husband’s work requires him to travel very often. We used to have sex so regularly that sometimes it used to hurt me.

However, things have changed when she suddenly told me out of the blue that what we are doing is wrong and it needs to be stopped. I wonder what happened suddenly. Did she get another affair? What can I do to win her back. I really miss having sex with her. What can I do?

Desperate Man

(Photo: iStock)

Dear Desperate Man,

Thank you for writing in. Do not assume that you are in some way wrong or imperfect just because you have a sexual liking towards a certain age group.

All love is valid. And regarding sex, as long as it is with an adult and with absolute consent, legally there is nothing wrong with it.

When it comes to sex, it has to have the consent of all in the act. Also, the consent has to be continuous in every act of the sexual acts. Consent can sometimes be withdrawn forever, or even in the middle of the sexual act. That’s the nature of things.

If she has withdrawn her consent and her interest in sex with you, you should ideally stop following her around asking her the same question again and again. If things get worse and she files a stalking case against you, I am certain you do not want to go that path.

Also, there could be many reasons for her to withdraw her consent. It may or may not involve another affair. The truth is that she has withdrawn and you cannot spend the rest of your life trying to find out why she did what she did. You need to rather understand that the door is shut and it doesn’t help if you keep banging at the door – it is shut.

If you feel the urge to call her or ask her why she left, I would suggest that you spend time in other fruitful things – like quality time with friends. Develop a circle where you can openly speak about your desperation. Things get better when we discuss them.

I would also highly recommend that you see a counsellor.

Smiles
RainbowMan

PS: Things will get better.

Also Read : Let’s Bust Some Common Myths About Sex

‘I Think I Am HIV Positive’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32-year-old woman and I have HIV. I know I have HIV because I just got to know that the person who I had sex with is HIV positive.

I have just had sex once, the man who broke my virginity. I am devastated.

I told one of my friends and she actually thought that I have had multiple sex partners due to which I contracted the virus. I know that the whole world will judge me now.

I feel death is the only solution for myself. I would rather die under a train than dying because of HIV.

I am terribly depressed and very angry at myself. How the f!3k did I allow this to happen to me? Am I a loose woman?

Devastated Woman

(Photo: Reuters)

Dear Woman,

Do not call yourself loose. Do not demean yourself.

You are more worthy than what you can imagine, you are more lovely than what you think you can be.

How did you realise you were HIV positive? You cannot know if you are HIV positive if you haven’t done a blood test. Please get an ELISA or PCR test ASAP.

Also, if you have sex with an HIV positive person, it is not always certain that you will contract the virus. There is a possibility if you have unsafe sex that you contract an STD, but there is no certainty. Irrespective of your then boyfriends HIV status, get yourself clear about your HIV status through a test.

You are not wrong or bad if you had sex or even had multiple sex partners. Your sex life doesn’t define your whole character. It is only one aspect of it. Do not degrade yourself in your eyes.

I will not lie, yes the world is judgmental about everything – especially about women with a sex life and STDs. You do not have to worry about it.

You need a good friend who can listen to you and speak to you. Please do seek counselling help with a professional.

Hugs
RainbowMan

PS: Book yourself an appointment with a good counselor.

Also Read : 2nd Patient Cured of HIV. Is This the Start of the End of AIDS?

Threesome, Worrisome

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a gay man in a relationship with a good looking guy since the past three years. We recently also moved in together. We are in a committed and exclusive relationship. However, a month ago we had a friend at our place for a sleepover and since we live in a crammed house all three of us slept in the same bed.

We were drunk and really, really out of our senses. Both of us, my boyfriend and I, started cuddling this friend of ours. In a while, we were all naked and taking turns and having fun.

My boyfriend has taken a liking to this friend of ours and what started as a one time experiment is now becoming a regular affair. I feel very guilty that I gave in the first time and now I may have my boyfriend slipping off my hands.

Regards
Worried Man

(Photo: iStock)

Dear Worried Man,

Thank you so much for sharing with me. These are intimate moments and I understand it would have taken some deep thought and trust in me to share these with me. Thank you.

Relationships are not always smooth sailing, there are some ifs and buts and some crests and troughs all through the distance of the relationship. It takes effort and understanding to keep the travel smooth and enjoyable.

Your partner and you decided to keep this as an exclusive relationship. You both together decided that you would not be having affairs outside. You two mutually also consented to make out with this friend of yours. Everything happened with consent. Nothing happened without consent or without anyone’s knowledge.

Your relationship is built on trust, understanding and sharing. At what stage did you stop sharing your angst with your boyfriend? If you have a problem with your boyfriend getting close to your friend, you would need to tell him. You cannot assume that he will know.

Engage with your boyfriend. Don’t confront him, but speak to him. Tell him what you are feeling and tell him that you want to go back to an exclusive relationship with him.

See what he has to say. Interact and reaffirm your belief in each other.

Every relationship should regularly pause and introspect the way the relationship is going. This is your chance to do the same.

Good Luck
RainbowMan

PS: Discuss. Discuss. Discuss.

Also Read : Sexolve 145: ‘Our Sexual Experiment Has Affected Our Relationship’

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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