Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
'I am a 72 Year Old Man Who Recently Got Married'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 72-year-old man who recently got married. My new wife (second wife) is 20 years younger than me but is in love with me and respects me very much. The good thing is that this was a love marriage. I had lost my first wife to cancer 15 years ago. I was committed to my first wife then. There was no question of cheating. However, the world has now changed and it has become so judgemental. My children with my first wife hate my second wife. My daughter-in-law thinks I am of bad character because I married someone who is younger. All this is making me really upset and worried. I love my wife. I want to give her a good life. I don’t know why my family treats me so badly. I am very worried. I have just loved. I ask myself the deep philosophical existential questions – why is love so abused? Why don’t people keep love? Why do people think people move from love to hate when they see someone who is in love? And why do they define love with age? If I am 70 does that mean I feel nothing? I am still fit like a fiddle and I did not force anyone to love me? I am deeply disturbed. Very deeply disturbed. I love my children, but why does the world act so cruel? I am psychologically very strong. I don’t know why this is hurting me so much. Please enlighten me.
Old-Not-Cold
Dear Old-Not-Cold,
I understand the efforts it takes to pour your heart out to someone and I thank you for doing so.
At the outset, I wish your partner and you a very happy married life.
I have never understood why people would be bothered about someone’s age. I have only known that love is ageless, raceless, casteless, religionless and regionless – it is all-pervasive, all giving and all-absorbing.
However, even though it is here and at this moment, it is mostly abused.
Love is also a paradox. It is so common, yet so rare to realise. It is everywhere, yet so rare to find. It is so easy with everybody, yet so very really rare to keep.
We get conditioned by what we see around us. We put people in moulds and brackets. We are never limited by love, we are limited by our understanding of it. When children are born, they are born with wings that help them wade through the world and love everything around them. But as they grow older, they get conditioned to believe that labels and boxes and pre-existing notions are not to be challenged.
Your children have seen you, and they have seen the world. For you, finding love is an achievement. For them, maybe, it is difficult to understand and respond to when people say something nasty or when they make this whole episode into a joke. Also, maybe because they have seen you with their biological mom, they find it difficult to accept. Maybe the realisation that their new mom is not too older than them, makes it a little awkward for them.
Give them time to come to terms with your new marriage. Be patient with them. Sit down with them sometime and very politely explain. Please don’t let high pitched emotions take over your conversations. I'm sure you know that even the most psychologically strong people can succumb to pressure.
In my humble opinion, the strongest of people are not the ones who never go weak. They are the ones who have the power to be in sync with their vulnerabilities.
So, thank you for being vulnerable and true to it. It would be nice if you seek the assistance of a professional who can help you analyse your emotions better and help you navigate through life more happily. Please see a psychologist.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
P.S. I know reciprocal love is the best kind of love.. However, in reality, don’t we love anyway, even if they don’t? Because isn’t love our predisposition, and hate — a conditioning.
‘I Want My Friend to Be a Good “Womanly” Lesbian’
Dear RainbowMan
My best friend is a lesbian. She has short hair and is always boisterous. We call her Anjali, because she is very Kajol from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. She is not telling anyone about it, but I saw her always wearing boyish clothes. I don’t understand why she should wear clothes like a boy and broadcast to the whole world. I mean, I am not conservative, but why invite attention the way she does? I want her to be a good lesbian and not be so loud about her dressing. I just feel like slapping her. I am so angry sometimes.
Somewhat-like-Rahul
Dear somewhat-like-Rahul,
I choose to call you just-like-rahul, because Rahul in the film Kuch Kuch Hota Hai also judged and teased Anjali on the basis of the clothes she wore. However, Anjali, in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai wasn’t lesbian. (At least, Karan Johar didn't think she was).
The larger point I am making is – clothes maketh no human - a man, a woman, a trans, or gay, or lesbian. Clothes have no gender and no sexuality. Let’s not genderise and add a sexuality to people who wear them.
Why should your Anjali wear clothes that other women are wearing? Also, who said that all lesbians dress the same way? Lesbians come in all shapes all sizes and wear all kinds of clothes. Do not try to attach them to a stereotype.
Let them breathe. And please take a deep breath whenever you feel the need to push people into a small idea of you.
Also, what do you mean by “a good lesbian”. I think lesbians are all good and bad, happy and sad, like any other person – sexuality irrespective.
Your friend has no problem. You do. Please visit a good psychologist.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S. Half acceptance is not acceptance.
‘Too Much Of Pubes’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have a lot of hair in my privates. So much that when my husband f!@ks me, I feel his penis brushes on the pubes and gets aroused and he doesn’t go further. It leaves me dejected. What should I do?
Worried Wife
Dear Worried Wife,
Thank you for writing in.
The solution could be simple. Could you try trimming or shaving your pubic hair, if that is a matter of concern? Be careful when you use a scissor or a razor though.
Regards,
RainbowMan
p.s. Love your body. And take control of it.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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