Sexolve 186: ‘My Boyfriend Isn’t Interested in Having Sex With Me’
Harish Iyer answers all your love, sex and relationship questions in this week’s ‘Sexolve’.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Am in a Relationship With a Married Man. Is He With Me Only for the Sex?’
I am 29-year-old. I got married and blessed with twin babies. I was very worried about my marriage life. From day one, we didn’t have any understanding. They knew very well that I am from a middle class family and we can’t pay so much dowry. My parents are also very old and my mother hasn’t been well. She has a mental health problem. I don't have even any support from anyone. My husband knew very well that I am completely dependent on him. But still, they treat me like a slave, even with my kids they will show off like I am fit for nothing, I have to to do all the work by myself, without any support from my husband. Starting from home cleaning, cooking, taking care of my kids, taking kids to the hospital, going out for buying provisions and vegetables etc. Even in all this, my husband used to find faults in me and whatever work I do, without any help. I spoke to him many times regarding my issues but he doesn't even consider my feelings and emotions, if I get periods, I am gone he will treat me like an animal because all the work stops due to my pain. So I suffered a lot there. We got separated, now I’m alone with my kids and parents.
We shifted our house to a new place where I met another man. Over time, we grew closer and he proposed to me. He said he will be with me all the time whatever the situations, and he has been till now. He is 45 and married, with two beautiful kids. My problem is: How come a man love two people at a time? He speaks to me nicely, whenever I am alone at my house he will come and talk to me very emotionally and tell me “You are everything to me”, “I don't want anyone in this world you are enough”. We had everything and we have been in a relationship for the past one and half years. From day one, he has been so caring. He’s supporting me like anything; monetarily, getting supplies and vegetables, taking me shopping or to a temple or hotel. Whenever he speaks to me, I feel like he is doing all this only for sex. I told him many times about this. I also suggested to not have sex for at least a month. But he can't be without it. He always needs it at least three days a week. Sometimes, four times a day. He tells me that a man can't do these many times in a day. But I am doing it because I have that much love for you. I don't know whether to trust him or not, but I don't want this relationship even if it gives happiness in my life — because of my kids. My kids are more important to me.
Also, I think his wife knows about me. She even found my number but didn’t take any steps to stop it. She has been very normal to him in all ways possible. I am so confused. I don’t know what’s happening around me. I don’t know whom to approach. Please advise if I should believe him or not. Thanks. very well that he has a relationship with me, she found my number too but she didn’t take any steps to stop this, also she s very normal to him in all the way. I’m so confused, I don't know what's happening around me. I don't know whom to approach. Please advise whether can I believe him or not. Thanks.
Woman In A Fix
Dear Woman In A Fix,
Thank you so much for writing in. This indeed is deeply personal and I am grateful to you for trusting me with this.
After a broken marriage, you found love when you least expected it. I am glad. Really glad.
Love is a strange thing, na? It happens at strange places, with people who are stranger than fiction.
I wouldn’t ask you to be wary of the person who says he loves you. However, it is important to guard ourselves emotionally, so that we feel well insulated against any fires that may flare-up.
The question here is not what he wants, the question is what do you want from this relationship you share with him. Is it sex? Is it companionship? Are you looking for anything permanent with him? Are you happy with a fling?
Ask yourself these questions. Ask yourself what you want from your life and then begin the conversation with him. You need to be clear about what you want before you discover where he wishes to take this relationship.
Regarding his wife and children – that relationship is his responsibility, not yours. You just have to be clear of what you seek for yourself in this relationship and what you seek from him in this relationship. Once you are clear about where you want your life to go, please sit down with him, ask him and negotiate your space in his life and his space in yours. Ask him what his relationship with his wife is, and also try to find out for yourself if he is serious in taking your relationship with him to the next level, if at all. Why judge him before that? Everyone in a relationship deserves the decency of a clear conversation minus all ambiguity. Be clear about your thoughts, then seek an understanding of his.
P.S. Things get better when we are clear about what we want.
‘I Am A 19-Year-Old In Relationship With A 52-Year-Old’
I m 19-year old in a relationship with a 52-year-old healthy person. I hope you will not judge me for that. I have started physical contact at the age of 18 years and 7 days. I have two questions:
1. He has the capacity to have sex for more than 90 minutes but I am unable to tolerate this stress.
2. He uses condom but I don't want. I can’t enjoy it with the condom, Will it be safe?
Thank you so much for writing in.
Love is ageless. And you could fall in love with anyone of any age. As a living being, you are free to love anyone. As an adult, you have a complete agency over your body. Who is anyone to judge?
Regarding his capacity/urge to have long hours of sex, I think nothing is worth it when you do not enjoy it. Do not suffer in silence. Tell him, in no uncertain terms what you desire in terms of sexual urges. Please tell him. Please tell him off.
If you do not appreciate any behaviour, please tell him to stop. No way should you “tolerate” anything.
Using a condom is always advisable. It is helpful in preventing HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Between women administering pills for themselves versus men wearing a condom – I would recommend the latter.
Not wearing a condom is not safe.
There are ways that one could seek pleasure even while wearing a condom. I wouldn’t recommend that you take the risk. But also, you are a better judge of what you want in terms of your body, your desires, and your feelings. Don’t let anyone take that agency away.
P.S. Here age shouldnt matter. It never did. It never should
‘How Do I Seduce Her?’
I need help. Anytime a girl comes visiting my place, to kiss or seduce her becomes a problem for me. I don’t know what to do or where to start from.
Don’t we all face the same challenge? I definitely did, when cute guys came visiting my place. We all have our ways. I prefer conversations about things that we both like speaking about.
Nothing works better than asking directly. But it is also important to not be creepy and wait for the right moment to do, so use the right words. Let there be consent at every moment and for every move.
‘My Boyfriend Is Not Interested in Having Sex With Me’
It’s been almost 9 months since I am in a relationship. I am 34 and I never got married. Had a relationship in college days which ended in 2010. Since then, I have been scared of relationships.
Now, something clicked and I am in a relationship with this guy who was earlier in a relationship with X for 9 years. They broke up in 2017 because she was very dominating and he lost his peace of mind. Also he had many sex partners, like almost 40 as of now.
A few months back he told me that he was in a relationship after X for a few months, but that didn't work because she was not good in bed and X was incredible in bedroom.
Him and I had not been physically intimate earlier. We never hurried. A few days back, we got physical and I faced some problems the first time. I bled the second time because I was a virgin.
But now, somehow, I feel that he does not find me attractive or loves me, but whenever I ask him to end the relationship he tries to fix things.
Now I want physical intimacy as well. Which I think makes a relationship strong, but he is not at all into it. The whole point is how is someone who loves sex and left another person for not being good in sex, not interested in having sex with me? He’s not even leaving me if he doesn’t find me attractive. He says he loves me. In fact I even visit his place, his mother knows about us. I asked him clearly also, he says that because of his start-up he is not in that frame of mind.
I am very confused. We don't talk much and we hardly meet, because of his ongoing start-up tension, which is true.
I love him a lot. Though I find him a bit different.
Please help me out with this. What should I do?
I want to marry him. But he is still scared of marriage
Also, he says that if he ever marries, he will marry me only, which I somewhat believe.
I am so confused.
Dear Miss Vexed,
Thank you for writing in. I do understand by the words you have chosen to express, that this is intense and you are quite frustrated by the situation that you are in at the moment.
How does your partner’s past love affairs, determine his present or future affairs? Maybe he seeks different things from different people. Sometimes sex is not good, but the fact is that people can be in complete ease with each other’s bodies, even if there is no sex.
Regarding marriage, well, give yourself time to figure out what you want. Do not go with the flow when you could invest that time in knowing where you want to go.
Speak to him clearly. Clear your doubts. Seek answers. Nothing helps better than a clean conversation.
P.S. Speak to him. It helps.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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